Stop. Look. Listen.

Why do we settle for unlabeled relationships? The kind of arrangement wherein being intimate is a good thing without any attachment. Like hold hands or give hugs in the privacy of your own space or have sex when your parents are away then be as casual as friends as if nothing had happened minutes after. Is it even worth calling a relationship? Why do we give in to this shenanigan to begin with?

I believe that it is a power struggle and the question is being raised to the inferior ones – why stay?
A friend of mine was sharing his story about a girl he has been crazy about for years now. They do everything yet he still gets mixed signals when it comes to their status. At one point he even dared asked her blatantly, to his dismay he didn’t get the answer he deserves.

Fear of commitment – simple, precise, straight forward. A vast majority would agree that it’s about the continuous obligation of being with a partner. Relationships are hard work and never a monotone Disney series that ends happily. Most of us would like to play things safe and savor the moment as oppose making things messy. Or perhaps they are not ready due to some obligation with family, studies, etc. Regardless of their back story on how and why they are fearful of a relationship we have to look at the bigger picture in the perspective of my friend who is at the mercy of a girl who is in fear of commitment.

It’s much easier to hear that I don’t like you as oppose to being stringed to a series of what-ifs. We stay because of the notion that we can turn things around for us. She might not be as into you as now but with enough efforts things may turn around for you. Such notion is further fueled by glimpses of hope as they reciprocate on little doses on every single moment that we are with them – and these moments are enough to keep us addicted to this setup till we accomplish what we are set to do.

In reality she is not into you as you want her to be. She has issues of her own to deal with and she has you to give her that boost. She is transparent of her emotions yet you are too blind to see the truth. You give meaning to the things she already gave you answers making a futile pursuit to happiness.
You tell yourself that you’ll eventually stop as you know there’s nothing when in reality you are deep within a lie you have created; and when another man comes for her, you instantly point fingers as she was unjust for tagging you along when in fact you failed to listen.

There are a lot of people in the world – finding another is not easy, but it will be impossible to find anyone when you keep staring at a closed door.

Lost her rubby slippers

I have been trying to put a brave face when I am in front of peers for the past few days because lately that's all I believe I have. The comfort that people surrounding me thinks that I am happy and full of energy when in fact I am no where near my great facade.

I have three aspect of my life - family, career and love. Never did I ever did things right with each aspect and when one falters, others compensate for those that lacks; but when the three falls down there's chaos.

Family.

As early as seven I have gotten well acquainted with the word dysfunctional. Parents that fought in front of kids about adultery and love child that may or may not exist. I have older siblings that are self-absorbed and vengeful. The perfect "role models" for a kid fearful of his homosexual secret and be burned alive by his family. They taught me a valuable lesson, independence. That you can never be weak. And when push comes to shove you ought to push back.

As time goes by, I have accepted these learning and became this person that I am. Narcissistic and strong willed - hating the fact that at times I show compassion which I believe is a sign of weakness. Probably it's coming from the fact that I am still that dear boy that is fearful of what is to come. That regardless of what I do or prove that i can do, I'll be judged and not be accepted. Acting that I'll be okay is just one of those brave faces that I put up. I am considered as a sin, a sickness and I can't accept the idea of not being accepted. Pushing them away makes it easier, makes it bearable. Cutting all emotional attachment seems the perfect solution.

So now, I have a separated parents that barely talks at all. Siblings that I barely talk to. We have financial issues because of my father's infidelity and my mom's aspiration for greatness by following her dreams at the expense of, basically us.

Career.

To prove self-worth I have done everything by the book. Got to school, graduated with flying colors. Took business school because it's the right thing to do and given the financial constraint, I don't have the time to think things through. I need to get a degree so i wouldn't be an added burden.

So I finished a degree in Economics and got started in the industry immediately after graduating. Ten months down the line, I am not please. I have a repetitive task with minimal thinking. I have a boss that is stubborn as I am. I have peers that are given high appraisals that i feel they do not deserve. I am in a place that I believe I am better off.

And I want to leave but given the financial situation I cannot. Independence. I am supporting myself. I buy things that gives me the feeling of importance. I cover myself with luxury to cover the shitty things in my life - a momentary relief before reality sinks in that I am stuck in this job and this family.

Love.

I have never been successful in this area though ever since I was little I had made myself believe that this is my ticket to a better life. I have been a fan of romantic movies and has fallen in love to the idea that a young man will save me from this life that I have. Though as time goes by the illusion of a happily ever after is beginning to fade.

A couple of months back I went berserk and started hooking up with random guys. The excitement of meeting people and one night stands makes me feel special. Then it made me feel like a trash - twice as shitty as before. Like an addict, I continue to pursue such road. Why? Because I felt visible for the first time. I feel important even for just a couple of hours. I had company - someone to listen to. A momentary cure of a lifelong despair.



Three things that came crashing down last week. I have never felt so alone in life without purpose. The family situation, is gonna be like this. I learned that I just need to focus on myself and get away as soon as possible. Save enough to move out. And to do that, I need a good paying job hence this shitty analyst gig that I currently have. Our year end evaluation is about to come up. Sadly I don't feel any promotion or raise laid for me. And with love, other than the weekly hook-ups that I conjure in my magic computer - I am far too broken to even offer myself for a real commitment.

Pretty much I am stuck.

Being selfish doesn't make me a bad person

You don't get to say that I am an awful person because I am selfish.

You asked me upfront about us. I wasn't prepared for this confrontation because when you did we are on our way to some place (which I forget since you stormed out after I nonchalantly answered your question). I told you you're someone that I am accustomed to to be around with. You compliment me in a lot of ways but I guess it's not enough for me to say the words you always say to me. "I love you".

I just stared at you half daze and started walking. You grab me by the arm and asked if I feel the same way. Honestly at that moment I wasn't feeling it. You started to loose it and ran off. I didn't followed you. I just stood there thinking my to do list for the day and was a bit aggravated because you promise to go with me (yes, I was suppose to buy eggs for our meal later). The question still lingers, do I love you?

You didn't went home that day so I ate those eggs by myself. Trying to find an answer, I look back on our relationship. Yes I like to be with you. When I'm alone I look for you. I failed an exam you were there. I was bored to death you cut your class and accompanied me to the movies. I guess I could say that is love.

But then when I am happy and full of life you are the last person on my mind. What does that say? I can't leave without you but I can't stand you too near me especially when I'm preoccupied with the good things. I guess you are my safety net. You are neither good nor bad, you are a neutral being in my life. Most of the time I use you to get over predicaments and you lose your magic in times of joy.

I love the way you make me feel. But how does I make you feel? You said you love me despite all these things I've done. Do you feel that I'll change after I hear your pain? You call me selfish as I am depriving you with the love you feel you deserve. But you fell for me because of who I am not for who you want me to be. I'm trying to be logical here.

I'm selfish. That is true. But does it really make me a bad person to be as such? I didn't hurt you because it was your decision to follow through with this kind of relationship. And perhaps I have some secret that made me this way. Maybe it was the fear of being left alone that made me lack the capacity to fully share my self to you. Ever thought of that? The way I see it, being selfish makes me human.

I am not different from the thousand individuals whom have placed themselves out there to find love. I guess I got tired and started to believe that being selfish will allow me to feel a little bit of love without getting hurt in case it's another soon to be failed relationship. I am not invested hence I won't lose.

It's selfish of me to make you go through all this test for me to trust you. I guess you failed.

I am not a bad person for being selfish. I am not a bad person for not saying I love you back. I didn't feel like I need to say those words when in fact they weren't real to begin with. You don't deserve them, because you failed from rescuing my from myself.

There used to be monsters hiding under my bed

I can't sleep. Before it was because I was scared I'll get suck under my bed believing there's a world underneath me. I had to call my mommy so she could cuddle with me as I fell asleep in her arms. She sometimes hum songs Before I thought it was a beautiful song that puts me to sleep - thinking my mom was a singer before she had to give it up just so as to have her family. Later I figured were some mixed up melody she just made up.

There came nights wherein mommy wasn't there. I have a weird relationship with my dad and I figured early on that he won't cuddle with me like mommy does. So I have to be brave enough to lie there on my own trying my best not to be swallowed by the monster lurking beneath me. I was a bit disappointed back then about my dad not able to show his affections like mommy does. Eventually I learn there are other ways a person can show his affection. In my later years I discovered that he'll do anything for us, for me and for that I am greatful. I guess he's just shy and thinks hugging isn't a masculine thing.

It took time before I realize such nonsense doesn't exists. My fear at night doesn't come from the monsters beneath my bed. They come from within. Every night till this day I have to face my inner demons which shows there truest form during times of stillness. A time where I find solitude. These "monsters" are a reflection of me. The night presents time and allows me to internalize. Most of the time I hate it. I hate the fact that I have to face my demons when my body demands some rest. But my conscience tells me otherwise. I sort them out night by night till point of exhaustion. Some nights I immediately fell asleep. But there will be nights like this wherein my demons keep me awake. I hate it most when I don't know what I am thinking - perhaps there is a lot going in, trail of thoughts flying around in my head without a single one registering. Sometimes it bugs me by not showing it's identity - hence no resolution, it just sits there.

I would prefer being scared by the monsters that use to reside under my bed. I guess they don't harm you. They may scare you but you eventually outgrew the fear and among them. But the monsters within us, you can't simply shun them. They will be there. Waiting.

I just want to be left alone

I want to step out and take a breather from life. It's not that I'm complaining. I just need to take a pause and re-group. I want to collect my thoughts before heading out again to the reality of it all.

Most people doesn't understand this. The idea of being alone. It's not that you're mad with someone or to a situation. You just need to take a step back and relax for a minute or a day or I dunno for a period of time till you give yourself the assurance that you need. I guess that's why most of us tend to be agitated out of the blue. We need to take that release. Listening to music or taking a minute or two to just be away from it all.

Now, I'm collecting my thoughts and would like to be alone (alone with my thoughts). Perhaps it's a coping mechanism, I have no idea. Ever since I started to think that life is a bitch and it will depend on how you see the good things in it this little ritual is my saving glory. I need time - like most of us - just for a minute to give yourself a moment of silence around all this chaos.

I want to be alone. Sometimes too much time alone but I need it. I need to breathe. Just for a moment before I go back to reality.

The thought of your death sometimes makes me smile

I know this is harsh - but if you think it, then it must be from some important place within you saying that something is wrong. Wrong in a sense that there is a problem causing you to think such idea not in a sense that I am a bad person who thinks bad things to his relatives.

So yes, like many nights tonight I think of my uncle and my grand mother's death. And only tonight on the eve of Chinese New Year I think of such thoughts and blog them completely. I may regret this but fuck it - something triggered me into such thoughts and the weird part is I'm not sympathetic about it.

You see this deal my mom had to make with her mom and younger brother had place my siblings and I to this position. We were left no choice but to stay with them for the time being. Grateful as we are we could only bear so little from the smart-ass remarks they do during dinners about how life is so complicated because of things-that-they-hate-or-they-don't-agree-with. They think highly of themselves and we have to hear every word and act as if they are right. Their way or the highway because we owe this sons-of-bitches.

Yes this is a grudge. I just hate people who act like a saint so the could get a ticket to heaven. That's so my grand mother. She tends to have her say to everything even to our personal life. One time a gay classmate of mine called me and she was able to get the call. The next minute she's accusing me of being gay because it's a sickness and I have a gay friend. I obviously wanted to punch her face right then and there. At her defense, she was only looking after me as her role as my grand mother (yes, it's her role to IMPOSE instead of give advice. It's obviously an imposition rather than an advice, I should know I'm the one who heard her). She has her way of making you feel that she is the superior being because she provided you food and shelter and she never misses a chance to remind you the blessing you have received. I hate those kinds of people - people who actually reminds you constantly that you owe them like FOREVER.

And when she can't control us no more. The bitch calls her youngest son, my uncle. The good for nothing ass who has an ego bigger than Russia. What I hate about this egotistically maniac is the fact that he talks a lot without anything to back it up. He didn't finish college, a bum for more than a decade and is only relevant when our roof needs fixing so we could save a couple of bucks. Still, he talks to us like he is this big shot person when in fact he is waiting for his mother to die so he could get his inheritance.

They talk to my sister and I in a condescending tone (8-out-of-10) as if we are about to screw our lives. In reality they are the ones who screwed their lives back when they are in our age. My grand mother got pregnant on her early life so she's fearing that my sister who is a law student would have the same fate. My grandma's a slut back then (who would have though, right?) and thinks we'll be doing the same thing. She got pregnant and had her child who's apparently been kept a secret in the family for a period of time. Tsk, tsk. In addition my uncle was a drug addict during our age - low grades, stopped schooling even ran away from home. In comparison to what we are doing, we are way beyond the point from were they where before.

I continue to live with them (till someone dies) and I assure you that I always had the last laugh. I am a conformist but I choose my battles. This isn't the right time for me but when it comes, I will strike hard and this bitches will never now what hit them. I can see myself smiling away while this two shit heads asks themselves what went wrong.

Until then bitches, kun hei far choi.

Stepping out my bubble hoping to find worth finding

I have nothing in my head right now. So I choose to visit our province - a four hour drive from the city. Since I can't drive and no one's gonna take me - I'll take the bus.

I'll be leaving in a couple of hours, so I still have time to ponder - things that I'll be expecting in this "journey". Why do I consider it a journey? I'm only visiting. Actually I have no intentions with the people there (my relatives). I just want to step out from the city and see how things on the other side. A place whose people's goals in life are to live in a place where I came from. I want to see their world and how they are - are we the same? I can sense my superiority complex kicking in (I'm sorry I can't stop it but I'll try my best to hide it).

I want to glorify myself with the thought that I am blessed and for that I should be grateful. I will not ridicule them but then again I judge them from where they come from and their way of living. That regardless of my pureness I still judge them like first world countries judge me and my colleagues. But that power struggle is beside the point. I want to see them - their way of living so I can reassure myself that I am in a good place. These selfish actions is what keeps me going, heck it keeps everyone moving forward.

I remember my conversation with a close friend about having children. Her idea of having kids revolves around narcissism. Try as we might to reject the idea it holds true. Everyone wants to leave an imprint of their being in this world and through their kids - they are somewhat immortalize (physical being, traits, beliefs, etc). One of the many examples of humanity's selfish actions.

But I'm not going to dwell on that fact. I'm more concern for my self. I plan to make a visit to our province that is a four hour drive from the city. I'm taking the bus because no one's taking me. I look forward seeing their way of living and would like to know / problematize their growing concern of going to the city - a place where I came from. Common answer would be opportunity. Because in the city - lives become better, everything is better. I don't want to be the bearer of such bad news with regards to their dream so I won't tell the reality here in the city.

Perhaps that's a glimpse of their thoughts. But what about me? What are my reasons for going back? I would like to find solitude. I have been to a couple of provinces and they offer the same thing - they give you time. Time to think. Time to see the world without any "distractions". It allows an individual to find himself as he stares at awe in the beautiful wonders the world offers him. Things that we city people often neglect.

The vast lands offers time. They create dreamers night and day surrounding them with the world's beauty. Dreamers that are not constrained by the reality of the world. Instead, the world gives them a glimpse of what is possible. I just need to understand how these two decide which dream to fulfill in a world that offers a lot but only grants a few.

I plan to escape the life here, just for a moment. I hope to find something worth taking home. It's like an adventure, a journey. Finding something, finding yourself.

Grab a piece of paper and start writing

I can't put things into words. This is the 5th or 6th version of this entry. I've been trying to write the things that has been bothering me, trail of thoughts that keep running through my mind, stuff that I just can't let go.

Ever had that feeling wherein you want to stop thinking and just rest your mind away from all things (both good and bad) and just be something else for a change.

I'm about to venture into something big. In a month's time I'll be starting work, my first! I'm not scared though I feel obliged to do well so that I could earn more. I really want to do a lot of things with my life. I want to be significant to people other than my family. I plan to help the people that touched my life. I want to give back - in a big way.

Knowing this clear goal that I have for my life is overwhelming. I'm twenty years old and I have at least thirty years to achieve all these. I want to die without ever worrying about money. Worrying whether I have enough for my family. I want to die with a smile on my face - knowing that I've done everything that I could to have a fulfilling life. It's not so much of having all the things that I wanted for myself in my teenage years. More of having enough to have a fulfilling life.

With all these big dreams that I want for my self and for my family lies big disappointments, no doubt about it. And I'm scared that there will be times that I'll fall and be alone in the path to greatness. I honestly believe that I can do it - to be all independent. But I hate to look back on the path that I choose and see myself walking alone. That I was able to help a lot of people, achieve a lot of things for myself yet, other than friends and family, there's no one to console me with a kind of affection that I am looking for. There are times that I feel that being single is empowering. That you don't need a partner to be a successful individual. This is true, although it can be lonely at the top. No one wants to be alone. Because at one point or another, you will look beyond all the silly lies you make yourself believe and know that you are alone (by choice or by design).

My siblings have their partners. My twenty years of existence, I've been the one who face the challenges alone. Family problems and all while my siblings have someone to distract them, give them a sense of encouragement that will empower them. My friends tells me that I am strong. Though the strong does fall as well.

This is all rant - not sure if I make sense. I need something to hold on. Something to look forward to.

Totally random. I asked myself what will be the perfect date? My answer's something spontaneous. Simple with a grand gesture that will make me feel that he has given his time for me. That will surely take my breath away. Perhaps in another lifetime.

Friends

I believe that I have awesome friends.

Often times I take them for granted but when push comes to shove I find ways to reconnect. I am satisfied with their numbers. Not as many compared to one's bajillion friends in facebook but enough to call my own.

I appreciate the fact that we share each other's hopes and dreams. We connect through our ambitions and failures in life. And every time one succeeds, it's like you share that triumph all together.

I love my friends. I know it was difficult for them to get to know me, and I had a hard time introducing the real me as well.

Thanks.

Sticker collection

I used to have one. I remember placing pokemon stickers in a small card sleeve. I was five and I don't keep things well. I vividly remember that I aspire to make my collection twice its current size. I recall all the possible small shops where I can purchase them. I was so excited for the coming days as I have this plan for the ultimate collection.

I was five and I don't keep things well.

The same night, I checked on my collection and try to shuffle them up - just because. They started to stick to each other, tearing most of 'em especially the little ones that have delicate designs.

Next thing I knew I forgot about my mini-collection and the dream behind it. I didn't even felt disappointed, I just decided to move on.

There's a lesson there somewhere. I just need to find it.

Sometimes you just don't know.

I've been at home the entire day. Tried my luck sending some resumes in a couple of reputable companies. I hope I won't soon end up settling for some mediocre job.

I have come to realize that most of the time we pretend to know where we are heading. We always try to reassure ourselves that we like the path that we choose because we decided to take that first step.

But there will be times, like where I am now, wherein you just don't know where the path leads to. Believe me it's scary, but to be scared and not do anything about things is scarier. I want to believe that there are good things destined for everyone. It is scary to take that leap of faith and say I'm going to do this and control my life. I guess the first step is to grasp the idea that we don't have control of what is to come. We don't know where we will end up nor have a clear vision on where we are heading. We do know one thing and that is to take that first step forward.

Sometimes you just don't know. It's not better but it's reality. We just have to face it.

Soul mates.

Earlier today I've heard about this great conversation about soul mates from a talk show - the debate of its realness, and how it is for different people.

In that show, one of the ladies contradicts this idea. She's more realistic about the situation. She is happily married and admits that her husband might not be her "soul mate". That the idea of having one is shady to begin with. What if your "soul mate" lives in China hence making it difficult for you to meet? Not every one meets in the real world hence you end up with someone you may want to believe is your soul mate. And there's nothing wrong with that. Her point is that you make decisions for yourself(she blatantly admits that she can be happy with someone else other than her husband); point is that you make decision for the right guy for you and the idea of having a soul mate is somewhat made up (like the spark in every relationship).

For me, I would like to believe that soul mates are real - even though I have yet to experience the idea of it. I guess I'm one of the many people in the world that needs to believe that there's something great out there for everyone, waiting to be found. It is important so that we look forward for everyday till we find our soul mate. And yes if he lives in China then I'll prolly book the first flight and find him there.

I'm so idealistic right now. I find it empowering and different (good different).

All I know is that I may or may not find him today, or tomorrow or next week - but if I give up now, then I will probably not get to know this great man for me.