I can't put things into words. This is the 5th or 6th version of this entry. I've been trying to write the things that has been bothering me, trail of thoughts that keep running through my mind, stuff that I just can't let go.
Ever had that feeling wherein you want to stop thinking and just rest your mind away from all things (both good and bad) and just be something else for a change.
I'm about to venture into something big. In a month's time I'll be starting work, my first! I'm not scared though I feel obliged to do well so that I could earn more. I really want to do a lot of things with my life. I want to be significant to people other than my family. I plan to help the people that touched my life. I want to give back - in a big way.
Knowing this clear goal that I have for my life is overwhelming. I'm twenty years old and I have at least thirty years to achieve all these. I want to die without ever worrying about money. Worrying whether I have enough for my family. I want to die with a smile on my face - knowing that I've done everything that I could to have a fulfilling life. It's not so much of having all the things that I wanted for myself in my teenage years. More of having enough to have a fulfilling life.
With all these big dreams that I want for my self and for my family lies big disappointments, no doubt about it. And I'm scared that there will be times that I'll fall and be alone in the path to greatness. I honestly believe that I can do it - to be all independent. But I hate to look back on the path that I choose and see myself walking alone. That I was able to help a lot of people, achieve a lot of things for myself yet, other than friends and family, there's no one to console me with a kind of affection that I am looking for. There are times that I feel that being single is empowering. That you don't need a partner to be a successful individual. This is true, although it can be lonely at the top. No one wants to be alone. Because at one point or another, you will look beyond all the silly lies you make yourself believe and know that you are alone (by choice or by design).
My siblings have their partners. My twenty years of existence, I've been the one who face the challenges alone. Family problems and all while my siblings have someone to distract them, give them a sense of encouragement that will empower them. My friends tells me that I am strong. Though the strong does fall as well.
This is all rant - not sure if I make sense. I need something to hold on. Something to look forward to.
Totally random. I asked myself what will be the perfect date? My answer's something spontaneous. Simple with a grand gesture that will make me feel that he has given his time for me. That will surely take my breath away. Perhaps in another lifetime.