In retrospect I have always end up with this notion. Not being ready. I brush of the idea of having a relationship. Instead I prefer the "fling" set-up - less messy and very simple.
Though I believe that my reasoning has turned into a defense mechanism against the bigger lie that I have made myself to believe. The fear of rejection. Most of the time I end up liking a guy and really enjoy his company. But halfway through the experience I lower my expectations to the point of killing the idea of the "what ifs" in life. Then we go our separate ways. I didn't get hurt in the process yet at the same time I didn't allow myself to feel either. Sadly I've been doing this with much success for the past couple of years.
Last night I had dinner with a couple of friends. I had to be drunk to admit (even to myself) that it is difficult for me to find true love. More so, it might not even exists in my case. I guess they were shock at my confession allowing them to sympathize and give me the pep talk that I needed.
If ever true love comes for me - I say it better bring a jackhammer with him to break down these walls. It's difficult to earn my trust. I seldom show my true self even with my friends. I blame the world for making me this - by choice or design I became a guarded person. I am gullible (to say the least) and I fall quickly but even I don't know if it's real or not. That's the major issue. Is it really love that I am offering, or another one of those defense mechanism society molded me into.
Perhaps it's easier to simply say I'm not ready for a commitment. For all the reasons even I can't understand. Still, I'm hoping that one day, he comes along and makes me understand about things, about love, about life.