I have been trying to put a brave face when I am in front of peers for the past few days because lately that's all I believe I have. The comfort that people surrounding me thinks that I am happy and full of energy when in fact I am no where near my great facade.
I have three aspect of my life - family, career and love. Never did I ever did things right with each aspect and when one falters, others compensate for those that lacks; but when the three falls down there's chaos.
Family.
As early as seven I have gotten well acquainted with the word dysfunctional. Parents that fought in front of kids about adultery and love child that may or may not exist. I have older siblings that are self-absorbed and vengeful. The perfect "role models" for a kid fearful of his homosexual secret and be burned alive by his family. They taught me a valuable lesson, independence. That you can never be weak. And when push comes to shove you ought to push back.
As time goes by, I have accepted these learning and became this person that I am. Narcissistic and strong willed - hating the fact that at times I show compassion which I believe is a sign of weakness. Probably it's coming from the fact that I am still that dear boy that is fearful of what is to come. That regardless of what I do or prove that i can do, I'll be judged and not be accepted. Acting that I'll be okay is just one of those brave faces that I put up. I am considered as a sin, a sickness and I can't accept the idea of not being accepted. Pushing them away makes it easier, makes it bearable. Cutting all emotional attachment seems the perfect solution.
So now, I have a separated parents that barely talks at all. Siblings that I barely talk to. We have financial issues because of my father's infidelity and my mom's aspiration for greatness by following her dreams at the expense of, basically us.
Career.
To prove self-worth I have done everything by the book. Got to school, graduated with flying colors. Took business school because it's the right thing to do and given the financial constraint, I don't have the time to think things through. I need to get a degree so i wouldn't be an added burden.
So I finished a degree in Economics and got started in the industry immediately after graduating. Ten months down the line, I am not please. I have a repetitive task with minimal thinking. I have a boss that is stubborn as I am. I have peers that are given high appraisals that i feel they do not deserve. I am in a place that I believe I am better off.
And I want to leave but given the financial situation I cannot. Independence. I am supporting myself. I buy things that gives me the feeling of importance. I cover myself with luxury to cover the shitty things in my life - a momentary relief before reality sinks in that I am stuck in this job and this family.
Love.
I have never been successful in this area though ever since I was little I had made myself believe that this is my ticket to a better life. I have been a fan of romantic movies and has fallen in love to the idea that a young man will save me from this life that I have. Though as time goes by the illusion of a happily ever after is beginning to fade.
A couple of months back I went berserk and started hooking up with random guys. The excitement of meeting people and one night stands makes me feel special. Then it made me feel like a trash - twice as shitty as before. Like an addict, I continue to pursue such road. Why? Because I felt visible for the first time. I feel important even for just a couple of hours. I had company - someone to listen to. A momentary cure of a lifelong despair.
Three things that came crashing down last week. I have never felt so alone in life without purpose. The family situation, is gonna be like this. I learned that I just need to focus on myself and get away as soon as possible. Save enough to move out. And to do that, I need a good paying job hence this shitty analyst gig that I currently have. Our year end evaluation is about to come up. Sadly I don't feel any promotion or raise laid for me. And with love, other than the weekly hook-ups that I conjure in my magic computer - I am far too broken to even offer myself for a real commitment.
Pretty much I am stuck.
Showing posts with label Journal. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Journal. Show all posts
Sunday
Skyscraper
This became your favorite song. Not because of Demi Lovato's singing chops but because of the cover version that I found and gave you.
We were listening to this song on your car after I forced you to give me a ride home - using your goodwill against you. Successful as I was, I was falling asleep as you were not talking much and listening to the song being played. All I wanted on that moment was to have more time with you. Wanted the night to never end. I guess I wasn't prepared when you asked me the meaning of the song. You started blurting out words trying to define the meaning of the song - more of translating the lyrics to our native language. Then we started laughing and I made a mental note of getting the song's meaning when I get the chance.
The night ended. We parted ways and I slept with a smile on my face. Such moments I want to relive over and over again. If only I could keep it in a bottle for safe keeping. A piece of me that gives reassurance that life can be better.
Experiences make a person, and with it we can manage to get up everyday and push through.
We were listening to this song on your car after I forced you to give me a ride home - using your goodwill against you. Successful as I was, I was falling asleep as you were not talking much and listening to the song being played. All I wanted on that moment was to have more time with you. Wanted the night to never end. I guess I wasn't prepared when you asked me the meaning of the song. You started blurting out words trying to define the meaning of the song - more of translating the lyrics to our native language. Then we started laughing and I made a mental note of getting the song's meaning when I get the chance.
The night ended. We parted ways and I slept with a smile on my face. Such moments I want to relive over and over again. If only I could keep it in a bottle for safe keeping. A piece of me that gives reassurance that life can be better.
Experiences make a person, and with it we can manage to get up everyday and push through.
Power over money
I haven't written a lot lately. I guess I am busy discovering...the hell I'm just busy with work. This pricing analyst in training has traded her high heels to flats and geeky glasses while crunching numbers five days a week. I also started going to the gym - twice, even thrice a week.
House issues are the same but I am able to elude the stupidity of my grandmother and uncle. Most of the time I arrive really late and leave really early. During weekends, they allow me to be a bum given the nature of my work. It is more fun now since my uncle is busy with a project outside the city so I rarely see him. For now things are fine at home.
Everything seems perfect up to today. I just received a bummer email from my mom about our finances. Hence my gym membership will be on hold after my contract ends as I have to help out in our expenses. Have to shell out a portion of my salary to pay for our utilities. She sent a very lengthy email about power over money and that this is just a temporary situation which we will eventually overcome. I mean honestly, I know we will and by some miracle we were able to surpass some of our financial issues before.
I have no issues helping. It just bugs me that yet again, the youngest sibling will be the one to give up his youth for someone else's benefit.
Our financial issues started when I was in college. We had to cut back with a lot of things. Things that my older siblings had the privilege of having. I promised myself that I'll graduate early as to help out, and so I did. I sort of had to grow up faster and was force to let go of my little joys in life. Now that I'm earning, I am able to spend things for myself yet this happen (again) so I guess I have to return to my sacrifices.
The sad part is, I often feel that they don't care. It irritates me, a lot.
Power over money. I don't have any issues with this one. I just have problems with me giving up my time for myself. That thing that I gave up for them really early. And now I have to do it again. No one seems to notice it. I don't even have someone to compliment me for the things that I have done. But then again that's life. I just have to be strong about it.
Twenty years of concealing the cracks - what's so difficult of concealing them a little longer right? As if anyone cares.
Fake it till you make it. Cheers to broken dreams.
House issues are the same but I am able to elude the stupidity of my grandmother and uncle. Most of the time I arrive really late and leave really early. During weekends, they allow me to be a bum given the nature of my work. It is more fun now since my uncle is busy with a project outside the city so I rarely see him. For now things are fine at home.
Everything seems perfect up to today. I just received a bummer email from my mom about our finances. Hence my gym membership will be on hold after my contract ends as I have to help out in our expenses. Have to shell out a portion of my salary to pay for our utilities. She sent a very lengthy email about power over money and that this is just a temporary situation which we will eventually overcome. I mean honestly, I know we will and by some miracle we were able to surpass some of our financial issues before.
I have no issues helping. It just bugs me that yet again, the youngest sibling will be the one to give up his youth for someone else's benefit.
Our financial issues started when I was in college. We had to cut back with a lot of things. Things that my older siblings had the privilege of having. I promised myself that I'll graduate early as to help out, and so I did. I sort of had to grow up faster and was force to let go of my little joys in life. Now that I'm earning, I am able to spend things for myself yet this happen (again) so I guess I have to return to my sacrifices.
The sad part is, I often feel that they don't care. It irritates me, a lot.
Power over money. I don't have any issues with this one. I just have problems with me giving up my time for myself. That thing that I gave up for them really early. And now I have to do it again. No one seems to notice it. I don't even have someone to compliment me for the things that I have done. But then again that's life. I just have to be strong about it.
Twenty years of concealing the cracks - what's so difficult of concealing them a little longer right? As if anyone cares.
Fake it till you make it. Cheers to broken dreams.
The waiting is the hardest part
I was heading home catching the last train heading north. I was looking forward to my weekend especially now that I'm working five times a week. It is true that once you start working, you value your free time more than before.
It was a Friday night and I plan to have dinner near my place before going home. As I reach for my phone it dawned on me how alone I am. I have a list in my head (my go to buddies so to speak) but given the short notice I reckon they couldn't make it. I starting questioning myself. How on earth did it lead to this?
Ever since I made it a point to not show any sign of weakness. So every time I am out with friends (or crushes) I showcase my tough exterior. Then I got the hang of it that I started being comfortable with the idea of being alone for most part of the day. When I get bored, I find it easy to find a group to kill time then I go back to my regular routine - alone. The only problem with this cycle is when I don't find a group when I get bored (and in this predicament I find myself alone in a train on a Friday night).
I pretended to be okay but I can feel my discomfort that I am not looking forward to anyone at that night and probably the following week. I feel invisible in my own world.
The idea of the one suddenly came into the picture. What if ten years from now he'll come for me. With all the mixed up fantasy I have created in my head - it will be one of the best moments I will ever had. Similar to the movies that I have seen for a thousand of times. Just like any other day we will meet. Perhaps I won't feel like he is the one but fate will evidently lead us together.
But in ten years, who will I be? With my decisions that lead me to this point, will he still fall for me? Or maybe I am asking the wrong question. Will anyone fall for me given my current state of mind? If that is the case that I am far from having him as I am still not the person he will love ten years from now.
I reach my destination. As I alighted the train I figured that if I had to change then he has to be worth the wait.
To my grandfather Bansoy
I never gotten a chance to really know you. I only remember you as the guy who gets sick a lot and gets annoyed by the way your family treats you because of your condition. You are stubborn in seeking medical attention because you feel it's a burden for the family financially. And because of it they find you irritating most of the time and you do hear about it. As painful as it is, you are being judged by your known family because whatever you do they see you as the adopted sibling who owes them your life and for that they feel they have control over you.
I really don't know your history but I know for a fact the way you have been treated doesn't justify their actions towards you. I remember you as the guy who sits in a corner during family affairs and always being called by your siblings as a stubborn person who doesn't think twice about your actions. This is the picture that was painted for me growing up. I guess they failed to see that your actions speaks on how you want to live your life in the time you have left. And they should support your actions, even if they are not good for you they have no right to call you stupid or reckless because they are too concern of saving your life that they do not allow you to live it at all. You are old aged and like your siblings they too are irritating but to set you a part isn't fair.
That's why when I heard earlier today that you passed away I felt bad. I felt bad for a couple of reasons. First is the way you have been treated for the last few years of your life. Second is the way you have lived your life in those remaining times when you are being restricted. I saw you this year once when you came for a visit. I would like to talk to you and your wife but it made me realize that we don't know anything about each other and most likely you don't know who I am. I felt distant and was sad about my realizations.
So to my grandfather who just passed away. I hope that you are in a better place. I hope that you forgive yourself for being the kind of person you think you are because I see you differently. I am sorry for not being there at all for whatever reason I could think of. To my grandfather Bansoy, I hope and pray that you are in a better place.
I really don't know your history but I know for a fact the way you have been treated doesn't justify their actions towards you. I remember you as the guy who sits in a corner during family affairs and always being called by your siblings as a stubborn person who doesn't think twice about your actions. This is the picture that was painted for me growing up. I guess they failed to see that your actions speaks on how you want to live your life in the time you have left. And they should support your actions, even if they are not good for you they have no right to call you stupid or reckless because they are too concern of saving your life that they do not allow you to live it at all. You are old aged and like your siblings they too are irritating but to set you a part isn't fair.
That's why when I heard earlier today that you passed away I felt bad. I felt bad for a couple of reasons. First is the way you have been treated for the last few years of your life. Second is the way you have lived your life in those remaining times when you are being restricted. I saw you this year once when you came for a visit. I would like to talk to you and your wife but it made me realize that we don't know anything about each other and most likely you don't know who I am. I felt distant and was sad about my realizations.
So to my grandfather who just passed away. I hope that you are in a better place. I hope that you forgive yourself for being the kind of person you think you are because I see you differently. I am sorry for not being there at all for whatever reason I could think of. To my grandfather Bansoy, I hope and pray that you are in a better place.
Friday
The secret of a dreamer
I always had a crush on you. I didn't know when it actually began but I did fall for you.
I see you as this geeky guy with a childish appeal. You kill others with kindness and with your good mood people can't do you wrong. You have great talent as well. You create wonderful images and animation for school organizations. I should know I have worked with you before. Perhaps it was then that I saw you.
It's hard getting to know you. Trying to figure out what lies behind what seem to be a facade. I use to think that people tend to use smiles as a form of protection. I do. But with you, everything is genuine. Nothing seems fake. And with that I kinda knew that you are someone who is different.
Different. Perhaps you are the kind of love that we all choose to keep hidden. We never utter the name as it may sound real. You are similar to a dream. Dreams that are seen and felt only by the individual. Making it special than any experience in a lifetime. It holds dearly as no matter how you explain things to others, it just won't make sense. It's that feeling that never goes away and triggered by that one person.
Like dreams, we are given the option to continue or go back. I will forever keep you. And regardless of waking up to the sad reality it's reassuring to know that whenever I see you I can be a dreamer.
I see you as this geeky guy with a childish appeal. You kill others with kindness and with your good mood people can't do you wrong. You have great talent as well. You create wonderful images and animation for school organizations. I should know I have worked with you before. Perhaps it was then that I saw you.
It's hard getting to know you. Trying to figure out what lies behind what seem to be a facade. I use to think that people tend to use smiles as a form of protection. I do. But with you, everything is genuine. Nothing seems fake. And with that I kinda knew that you are someone who is different.
Like dreams, we are given the option to continue or go back. I will forever keep you. And regardless of waking up to the sad reality it's reassuring to know that whenever I see you I can be a dreamer.
Tuesday
Tales of a wallflower
I keep telling myself that I'm okay, trying to understand my predicament (single) either by design or by choice.
I use say that I have to study well because it's easier. High grades are a challenge but at least your efforts are rewarded. Then I graduated college with latin honors. All I have is a degree and a one night stand with someone that I considered lovely.
I say that I should get a decent job, a good paying one at least I could buy something - gratify myself every time I see romance across my work space, across the table while my good friend brings his boyfriend for dinner, at the backseat seeing my sister with her lover being nice and all as they give me a free ride home. The world conspires by design or by choice to give me a glimpse of something that I want (or use to - I don't know).
Sometimes I feel that I am use to the set-up. I get up in the morning, listening to the latest pop song of teenage dream that I dream of having but never will as I am pass the age. I get drinks with old friends asking them about love - brushing of the idea every time we hear failed relationships and unrequited love. A momentary empowerment wherein I feel that I am someone that doesn't need a man. Then I go home, open my laptop and listen to the music that tells me otherwise. I sit in my room and think about the choices that I made and how the universe conspires. Why? Because I need a reason. Why is it that I am still...myself. Why am I still trying? Still at that stage feeling that nothing has change, nothing has improved. I am still myself.
Then another lie of some sort will enter my head (a defense mechanism if you will). Perhaps the universe is saving you for someone special. Perhaps you have yet to do something good and meaningful with your life. Perhaps you have yet to save a child from hunger or end poverty in Africa. I don't know.
Drowning myself with lies and distractions. I have been doing the routine for quite sometime now. I've gotten good grades, now I'm getting overworked so I can numb the struggles. The never ending questions as to why am I still not deserving. Maybe the guy got hit by a truck. At least let me know so I could at least not expect nothing and seize my hopes that one day you'll walk into my life and whisk me away like one of the Disney princesses I've seen when I was five years old.
I'm okay. I keep telling myself that I understand my predicament. It's either by design or by choice.
I use say that I have to study well because it's easier. High grades are a challenge but at least your efforts are rewarded. Then I graduated college with latin honors. All I have is a degree and a one night stand with someone that I considered lovely.
I say that I should get a decent job, a good paying one at least I could buy something - gratify myself every time I see romance across my work space, across the table while my good friend brings his boyfriend for dinner, at the backseat seeing my sister with her lover being nice and all as they give me a free ride home. The world conspires by design or by choice to give me a glimpse of something that I want (or use to - I don't know).
Sometimes I feel that I am use to the set-up. I get up in the morning, listening to the latest pop song of teenage dream that I dream of having but never will as I am pass the age. I get drinks with old friends asking them about love - brushing of the idea every time we hear failed relationships and unrequited love. A momentary empowerment wherein I feel that I am someone that doesn't need a man. Then I go home, open my laptop and listen to the music that tells me otherwise. I sit in my room and think about the choices that I made and how the universe conspires. Why? Because I need a reason. Why is it that I am still...myself. Why am I still trying? Still at that stage feeling that nothing has change, nothing has improved. I am still myself.
Then another lie of some sort will enter my head (a defense mechanism if you will). Perhaps the universe is saving you for someone special. Perhaps you have yet to do something good and meaningful with your life. Perhaps you have yet to save a child from hunger or end poverty in Africa. I don't know.
Drowning myself with lies and distractions. I have been doing the routine for quite sometime now. I've gotten good grades, now I'm getting overworked so I can numb the struggles. The never ending questions as to why am I still not deserving. Maybe the guy got hit by a truck. At least let me know so I could at least not expect nothing and seize my hopes that one day you'll walk into my life and whisk me away like one of the Disney princesses I've seen when I was five years old.
I'm okay. I keep telling myself that I understand my predicament. It's either by design or by choice.
Saturday
Resolutions
It'll be simple really. This coming year, I will try my hardest to get the things that I want. Things that I feel that I deserve. I will be fearless. I will be the person that is admirable. I want to live my life with no regrets. I would like to be fulfilled.
Last night was so great. I got together with a few friends. I feel empowered whenever I get a chance to talk to them. They remind me of the changes I made to myself. They see the real me and I am grateful for that. They make me happy and they inspire me to be better in some weird way.
I will welcome the New Year with glee and anticipation of a great tomorrow. I know there will be problems and shitty moments. But who cares. Everyday somewhere in the world there are worse cases. I just need to look things differently. The world as it is is full of crap. The way you see it will define you and will set you apart from the rest.
I know that I'll be leaving 2011 with no regrets and about to welcome 2012. All is new and I'm excited to start a new chapter of my life.
Last night was so great. I got together with a few friends. I feel empowered whenever I get a chance to talk to them. They remind me of the changes I made to myself. They see the real me and I am grateful for that. They make me happy and they inspire me to be better in some weird way.
I will welcome the New Year with glee and anticipation of a great tomorrow. I know there will be problems and shitty moments. But who cares. Everyday somewhere in the world there are worse cases. I just need to look things differently. The world as it is is full of crap. The way you see it will define you and will set you apart from the rest.
I know that I'll be leaving 2011 with no regrets and about to welcome 2012. All is new and I'm excited to start a new chapter of my life.
Monday
The drunk housemate
Nights like these remind me why I had held for so long.
Another fight broke down earlier. A petty argument that was blown out to proportion. I am living with a person that thinks highly of himself yet does nothing in his life. People who thinks that they are doing you a favor when they keep reminding you the favors he did for you. Again same words left their mouths that I've been hearing for the past four years. He called us irresponsible and lazy - the irony of things.
Living under the wings of your relatives has limits. I just hate that they open there house for you then they always belittle you because of your disposition. I should have seen this happening - I felt cheated and trapped.
I just can't stand the fact that I am often judged by this one person - my uncle. He is a bastard. He thinks highly of himself and speaks his mind (no matter how irrelevant his views and opinions are to the world). He does the things that he wants as long as he gets funded by my grand mother. At the age of 45, he is hiding from the law because of an unpayed debt. He can't find a job because he stole from his previous employer and got blacklisted. He can't have a business because he is (yes LAZY). He doesn't want to do the nitty gritty of things and believes that a successful business comes from a very large capital. I'm guessing he's just waiting for my grand mother to die for inheritance.
So yes it's a major bitch to be judged by a dickhead like that one. I know the entire routine. He'll be nice tomorrow because he needs to borrow some of my stuff (camera, computer, etc.) so he could do his "project" for his so called business. He does toy figures for non-existing clients. All of his capital came from my grand mother who believes that her child's dream will eventually bear fruit. I believe the main role of my uncle is to maintain the cleanliness of this house, make repairs and cook meals. I mean, he's not doing productive things to be honest. My sister is studying law and I'll eventually do work and in the process of finalizing my paper works.
This is what I hate about uneducated people. They do not know the meaning of comparative advantage and efficiency. Never did they see the bigger picture in life and always goes back to their traditional lifestyle in the farm (or wherever they came from). I mean it's more efficient for him to do the things I just mentioned while the income earners do work and rest by the end of the day. He gains from it as well as he gets money to spend to his shit. But NO, people should contribute EQUALLY at home. That is freaking stupid.
Now that I'm feeling a bit better, I should probably get some rest. I can't wait for him to leave the house for Christmas. Being alone in the house is like a paid vacation on my end. You have no idea how peaceful and relaxing it is when he is not around.
-----
Job hunt is doing great. I have an offer in an MNC that is leading in its respected field. I hope to get a house, a condo or an apartment and leave this forsaken place. Hopefully by the age of 23 I could get a house. I should probably get a loan if I can't take it. I can't wait to start earning. I'll always give money to my grand mother, hopefully that will shut her up and his stupid son and leave my sister and I alone. All they need is money, that I know (the number one topic at the dinner table).
Another fight broke down earlier. A petty argument that was blown out to proportion. I am living with a person that thinks highly of himself yet does nothing in his life. People who thinks that they are doing you a favor when they keep reminding you the favors he did for you. Again same words left their mouths that I've been hearing for the past four years. He called us irresponsible and lazy - the irony of things.
Living under the wings of your relatives has limits. I just hate that they open there house for you then they always belittle you because of your disposition. I should have seen this happening - I felt cheated and trapped.
I just can't stand the fact that I am often judged by this one person - my uncle. He is a bastard. He thinks highly of himself and speaks his mind (no matter how irrelevant his views and opinions are to the world). He does the things that he wants as long as he gets funded by my grand mother. At the age of 45, he is hiding from the law because of an unpayed debt. He can't find a job because he stole from his previous employer and got blacklisted. He can't have a business because he is (yes LAZY). He doesn't want to do the nitty gritty of things and believes that a successful business comes from a very large capital. I'm guessing he's just waiting for my grand mother to die for inheritance.
So yes it's a major bitch to be judged by a dickhead like that one. I know the entire routine. He'll be nice tomorrow because he needs to borrow some of my stuff (camera, computer, etc.) so he could do his "project" for his so called business. He does toy figures for non-existing clients. All of his capital came from my grand mother who believes that her child's dream will eventually bear fruit. I believe the main role of my uncle is to maintain the cleanliness of this house, make repairs and cook meals. I mean, he's not doing productive things to be honest. My sister is studying law and I'll eventually do work and in the process of finalizing my paper works.
This is what I hate about uneducated people. They do not know the meaning of comparative advantage and efficiency. Never did they see the bigger picture in life and always goes back to their traditional lifestyle in the farm (or wherever they came from). I mean it's more efficient for him to do the things I just mentioned while the income earners do work and rest by the end of the day. He gains from it as well as he gets money to spend to his shit. But NO, people should contribute EQUALLY at home. That is freaking stupid.
Now that I'm feeling a bit better, I should probably get some rest. I can't wait for him to leave the house for Christmas. Being alone in the house is like a paid vacation on my end. You have no idea how peaceful and relaxing it is when he is not around.
-----
Job hunt is doing great. I have an offer in an MNC that is leading in its respected field. I hope to get a house, a condo or an apartment and leave this forsaken place. Hopefully by the age of 23 I could get a house. I should probably get a loan if I can't take it. I can't wait to start earning. I'll always give money to my grand mother, hopefully that will shut her up and his stupid son and leave my sister and I alone. All they need is money, that I know (the number one topic at the dinner table).
Tuesday
The world can be nice
Today was a surprising day. I have been down the dumps for the past few weeks because I'm unemployed. I keep applying for companies that I see myself in yet I easily get discourage because it's more common to get rejected than get hired. Moreover the waiting part of it all pretty sucks. You wait for calls one to three weeks after your interview - sometimes they don't even bother calling you.
Earlier today I was set to another interview in a publishing company. I kinda sucks that my interviewer had to reschedule on the last minute (when I was already there). "No worries" I said to myself and board the train on my way home. I was thinking that if I really want something and exert effort I can get it. Because the moment you decide to put yourself out there with no hesitations - the universe will align thus propelling you to greatness. Sometimes you get rejection, in my case six out of nine. Well opportunity will evidently come to anyone.
As I was on the rain my phone rang. It was a call from one of the early companies that I applied for. A reputable financial industry. I wasn't able to hear her clearly so I asked her to call me back a bit later. Moments later I got a text message from another company asking me to report for an interview with the manager. I have to make room for my schedule since I have a pending interview as well for my postponed meeting with the aforementioned publishing industry.
When I got home, I was able to talk to the caller earlier and she's securing me for a post in their company.
This was a great day. I hope tomorrow will be another great day.
I'm not a religious person but I'd link to thank my guiding force.
Earlier today I was set to another interview in a publishing company. I kinda sucks that my interviewer had to reschedule on the last minute (when I was already there). "No worries" I said to myself and board the train on my way home. I was thinking that if I really want something and exert effort I can get it. Because the moment you decide to put yourself out there with no hesitations - the universe will align thus propelling you to greatness. Sometimes you get rejection, in my case six out of nine. Well opportunity will evidently come to anyone.
As I was on the rain my phone rang. It was a call from one of the early companies that I applied for. A reputable financial industry. I wasn't able to hear her clearly so I asked her to call me back a bit later. Moments later I got a text message from another company asking me to report for an interview with the manager. I have to make room for my schedule since I have a pending interview as well for my postponed meeting with the aforementioned publishing industry.
When I got home, I was able to talk to the caller earlier and she's securing me for a post in their company.
This was a great day. I hope tomorrow will be another great day.
I'm not a religious person but I'd link to thank my guiding force.
Friday
Countdown
The weather's getting cold now.
I peered outside my window catching the last glimpse of rays before darkness sets in. I am troubled. I gathered my thoughts and made a list of all the things that worries me. There's my living condition. It's been four years since I left home and stayed at some relatives house. It bothers me that I feel distant to everyone in this house. Feeling as if I am a burden forced to abide by there rules in addition to there timely reminder of little monetary contribution I make. It connects to the pressure of getting a job. It will be my second month of being unemployed on the birth of Jesus Christ - just great, I'm really looking forward to that one. I had been making follow-ups to my one and only lead and I think the personnel's being irritated by me (so I have to stop that).
Today's the sixth day I haven't set foot outside the house. The house that asks me to do a lot of stuff so as to make me more productive in there eyes. I am living with an old lady who tends to complain about her family's misfortune every meal time. She also talks about how people are so rude that they had to make stories about each other. She's also so proud that she's not the kind of person who gossips, talk about integrity. She also has a son. The one who hates faggots and the country because he thinks of it as a breeding ground for the poor. He hates the less fortunate because of their mannerism or their lack of. Ironically this fellow here has no job and is hiding from authorities for he is indebted a hundred gran. He has an ego a size of a football field. I distinctly remembered this one time that I found this letter asking him to pay for such bill. He asked me that if someone comes to the house and asked to look for him that I shouldn't say his whereabouts. Funny, the way he said it to me. He sounded angry yet feeling as if he's above the law. He makes you feel that he is this big shot personality that could do whatever he wants. He dream is to buy his island and just stay there alone away from people. Whenever I here this about him, I tend to roll my eyes. He couldn't even afford a piece of gum.
This reality saddens me, as I am related to this two nutcase. By the end of the day you have to be proud from where you came from and the other affinity that goes with it. They are my uncle and my grand mother. They kept me after my parents separated. My mom went to California to study and find work. My dad stayed to some place (I'm guessing with his second family) and tries to visit me from time to time. I guess these two folks took pity on my and decided to keep me. Though what bothers me are the daily conflicts - of them making me feel that I am a burden. So much for keeping me in.
Sixteen days before the big night. I am not too excited about it. My grand mother will choose to sleep early. My uncle will spend the night at his girl friend's house and I am welcome to go there. My siblings (yes I have two) I'm guessing have already made plans of their own. So I'll celebrate all the greatness in my room. I have saved enough money to get my by for "special occasion". I'll probably buy a wine, a box of pizza and a DVD.
It's getting cold now. Sixteen days before the special day.
I peered outside my window catching the last glimpse of rays before darkness sets in. I am troubled. I gathered my thoughts and made a list of all the things that worries me. There's my living condition. It's been four years since I left home and stayed at some relatives house. It bothers me that I feel distant to everyone in this house. Feeling as if I am a burden forced to abide by there rules in addition to there timely reminder of little monetary contribution I make. It connects to the pressure of getting a job. It will be my second month of being unemployed on the birth of Jesus Christ - just great, I'm really looking forward to that one. I had been making follow-ups to my one and only lead and I think the personnel's being irritated by me (so I have to stop that).
Today's the sixth day I haven't set foot outside the house. The house that asks me to do a lot of stuff so as to make me more productive in there eyes. I am living with an old lady who tends to complain about her family's misfortune every meal time. She also talks about how people are so rude that they had to make stories about each other. She's also so proud that she's not the kind of person who gossips, talk about integrity. She also has a son. The one who hates faggots and the country because he thinks of it as a breeding ground for the poor. He hates the less fortunate because of their mannerism or their lack of. Ironically this fellow here has no job and is hiding from authorities for he is indebted a hundred gran. He has an ego a size of a football field. I distinctly remembered this one time that I found this letter asking him to pay for such bill. He asked me that if someone comes to the house and asked to look for him that I shouldn't say his whereabouts. Funny, the way he said it to me. He sounded angry yet feeling as if he's above the law. He makes you feel that he is this big shot personality that could do whatever he wants. He dream is to buy his island and just stay there alone away from people. Whenever I here this about him, I tend to roll my eyes. He couldn't even afford a piece of gum.
This reality saddens me, as I am related to this two nutcase. By the end of the day you have to be proud from where you came from and the other affinity that goes with it. They are my uncle and my grand mother. They kept me after my parents separated. My mom went to California to study and find work. My dad stayed to some place (I'm guessing with his second family) and tries to visit me from time to time. I guess these two folks took pity on my and decided to keep me. Though what bothers me are the daily conflicts - of them making me feel that I am a burden. So much for keeping me in.
Sixteen days before the big night. I am not too excited about it. My grand mother will choose to sleep early. My uncle will spend the night at his girl friend's house and I am welcome to go there. My siblings (yes I have two) I'm guessing have already made plans of their own. So I'll celebrate all the greatness in my room. I have saved enough money to get my by for "special occasion". I'll probably buy a wine, a box of pizza and a DVD.
It's getting cold now. Sixteen days before the special day.
Thursday
Hello December
In two hours I have a date with two of my gal pals from college.
What are we gonna talk about? What will I tell them when they ask me how's it going?
I look back this week and ponder the latest happening and discoveries. I got reacquainted with my mom and that she gave me awesome advice in life (highly needed). I dunno her words empowered me to just push forward (see previous post on complete details).
Then there's my "friendship" with this guy in college. He "asked me out" but i forgot to reply to his message so that didn't went well. It bugs me a little bit. I mean honestly I don't want the friends with benefits setup like I used to. It seem immature and I kinda not like the anymore (I'll definitely tell this to my friends). I guess I outgrew him sooner than expected.
Also I had this weird dream that I was a seer similar to a character from the book that I was reading last night. I dreamt that I was having vision through my dreams and then they happened. A real inception feeling if you'd ask me. Part of my vision was that my crush in high school which ended badly texted a very sweet message (which was sucky as I've been waiting for that dream for like centuries now). Next thing I knew I felt like it's gonna rain and when I woke up it started to rain (weird).
I might add my crush in Facebook. He does go to the same school as my older brother (I know lame excuse and doesn't even make sense). Hmmm.
Oh and I again submitted my resume to a couple of companies last night and earlier today so cross thy fingers!
I'll prolly tumblr first while playing a couple of music before preparing for our little get together. Hello December - be nice to me :)
What are we gonna talk about? What will I tell them when they ask me how's it going?
I look back this week and ponder the latest happening and discoveries. I got reacquainted with my mom and that she gave me awesome advice in life (highly needed). I dunno her words empowered me to just push forward (see previous post on complete details).
Then there's my "friendship" with this guy in college. He "asked me out" but i forgot to reply to his message so that didn't went well. It bugs me a little bit. I mean honestly I don't want the friends with benefits setup like I used to. It seem immature and I kinda not like the anymore (I'll definitely tell this to my friends). I guess I outgrew him sooner than expected.
Also I had this weird dream that I was a seer similar to a character from the book that I was reading last night. I dreamt that I was having vision through my dreams and then they happened. A real inception feeling if you'd ask me. Part of my vision was that my crush in high school which ended badly texted a very sweet message (which was sucky as I've been waiting for that dream for like centuries now). Next thing I knew I felt like it's gonna rain and when I woke up it started to rain (weird).
I might add my crush in Facebook. He does go to the same school as my older brother (I know lame excuse and doesn't even make sense). Hmmm.
Oh and I again submitted my resume to a couple of companies last night and earlier today so cross thy fingers!
I'll prolly tumblr first while playing a couple of music before preparing for our little get together. Hello December - be nice to me :)
Wednesday
Another day in the life of the unemployed
If you are looking for work and has no job you are part of the technical definition of the unemployed. That's something I learned in my three year stay in college (yes I once consider myself smart). I took Economics as my major and finished early with latin honors under my belt thank you very much.
But how come I find it very difficult to get employed? I just crossed out a name out of my potential employers's list yesterday (now I only have two left - actually it might turn to one by the end of the week as I flunk the exam of the other company, so much for being smart).
So basically I tend to rant for a couple hours and search for possible jobs in the net. I tend to get discourage as most of them are way below or above my standards. I find it really difficult to start really. I get discouraged easily and tweet things or blog about how shitty my life is right now. It's been a month and a couple of days since I last became productive (actually doing something that gets me somewhere). I know I'm not lost, but getting to the next phase of your life is irritating - a lot of pressures.
I was able to talk to my mom yesterday. I shared her my frustrations and the pressure that I am feeling. She was pretty calm about things and understands where I am coming from hence she tells me to take my time on things. She told me that somewhere out there is the one job that is right for you - all you have to do is wait (and of course send your resumes to those big shot companies).
I forgot to ask her that regardless of the company - the work that I'm getting in such company is the one I have problem with. I have no idea what I want. When I entered college, I chose a business course because I am clueless of what to get. At least with "business" there's always room for employment relative to others (stupid belief I know). I finished the course with good grades. And know I'm thinking of the what ifs (what if I took the course in architecture because I always dream to be an interior designer). Ideals that will never be a reality. I just need to push and walk to the direction I chose.
My mom'ms parting words are, "Your self-worth diminishes depending on how you want to see yourself. You know yourself better than anyone and you know how far you can reach and do beyond anyone else so be confident with that knowledge, it will hold you through".
I guess I should just trust my instincts. I mean if I really don't want a job in this company I shouldn't take it. I know my options are not as much and I don't want to be picky yet at the same time I shouldn't sell my self short.
So yes to not sending my resumes to three companies that are urgently looking for data analysts and finance sales executive. I shall wait for the company that is for me - I sure hope it comes sooner to keep me sane.
But how come I find it very difficult to get employed? I just crossed out a name out of my potential employers's list yesterday (now I only have two left - actually it might turn to one by the end of the week as I flunk the exam of the other company, so much for being smart).
So basically I tend to rant for a couple hours and search for possible jobs in the net. I tend to get discourage as most of them are way below or above my standards. I find it really difficult to start really. I get discouraged easily and tweet things or blog about how shitty my life is right now. It's been a month and a couple of days since I last became productive (actually doing something that gets me somewhere). I know I'm not lost, but getting to the next phase of your life is irritating - a lot of pressures.
I was able to talk to my mom yesterday. I shared her my frustrations and the pressure that I am feeling. She was pretty calm about things and understands where I am coming from hence she tells me to take my time on things. She told me that somewhere out there is the one job that is right for you - all you have to do is wait (and of course send your resumes to those big shot companies).
I forgot to ask her that regardless of the company - the work that I'm getting in such company is the one I have problem with. I have no idea what I want. When I entered college, I chose a business course because I am clueless of what to get. At least with "business" there's always room for employment relative to others (stupid belief I know). I finished the course with good grades. And know I'm thinking of the what ifs (what if I took the course in architecture because I always dream to be an interior designer). Ideals that will never be a reality. I just need to push and walk to the direction I chose.
My mom'ms parting words are, "Your self-worth diminishes depending on how you want to see yourself. You know yourself better than anyone and you know how far you can reach and do beyond anyone else so be confident with that knowledge, it will hold you through".
I guess I should just trust my instincts. I mean if I really don't want a job in this company I shouldn't take it. I know my options are not as much and I don't want to be picky yet at the same time I shouldn't sell my self short.
So yes to not sending my resumes to three companies that are urgently looking for data analysts and finance sales executive. I shall wait for the company that is for me - I sure hope it comes sooner to keep me sane.
Saturday
Hello.
So I have to make this really quick because my best friend's waiting for a skype session.
So...I have been a bum for 24 days now (will be a month by the 25th). I am really looking forward to getting this job in a finance company (one of the best) - I am really excited.
Today - I'm feeling really happy. Immediately after college I started looking for a job and well, things didn't actually go according to plan hence my ideal scenario is a bit shady right now.
My ultimate dream is to have an apartment and a decent job - live in New York and meet my partner that will make me happy. I am currently 20 years old and is staying at my grand parent's place, struggling and well making the best out of what I have (oh and I'm still single). A bit far from what my ideals but hey, it's something.
One of those nights wherein you feel like life really sucks so you just have to live it.
For now I am happy. And I want to remember this night as it is.
Night for now.
Sincerely,
Boy wonder.
So I have to make this really quick because my best friend's waiting for a skype session.
So...I have been a bum for 24 days now (will be a month by the 25th). I am really looking forward to getting this job in a finance company (one of the best) - I am really excited.
Today - I'm feeling really happy. Immediately after college I started looking for a job and well, things didn't actually go according to plan hence my ideal scenario is a bit shady right now.
My ultimate dream is to have an apartment and a decent job - live in New York and meet my partner that will make me happy. I am currently 20 years old and is staying at my grand parent's place, struggling and well making the best out of what I have (oh and I'm still single). A bit far from what my ideals but hey, it's something.
One of those nights wherein you feel like life really sucks so you just have to live it.
For now I am happy. And I want to remember this night as it is.
Night for now.
Sincerely,
Boy wonder.
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