We all want the same thing

Today I will change myself.

Unsure if it's for the better but I know it's a step in the right direction. I told a friend that I was flirting with this guy I met at work. We don't actually know each other, just a random guy who got my number from a friend of a friend. I am not romantically involved or whatsoever. I prefer the term "killing each other's boredom" hence flirty texts and incident proposals are okay. Right?

Okay, so he has a girlfriend - whatever - who has trust issues (for obvious reasons), and now I'm ruining it for her like some random girl who ruined things for me in my previous relationship. That right there is a cycle of deceit among women. But we tolerate it, I tolerate it. That is why I am hooking up with this guy right now.

A step in the right direction - still trying to swallow my pride for being the other woman but whatever. I just bought a five inch heel and I have a place to wear them.

When reality is about to come down on you with a thousand bricks

I never planned to be in this position.

I slowly turned the knob and felt the water through my body. Hot nor cold - I can't feel it. I just know that water is rushing through and it's hitting my body, cleansing me, slowly.

"How did I get here?" I keep asking myself that question from the moment I met you, the moment I allowed myself to feel something. Infidelity. A word that I am much familiar with. I was raised by my mother alone because my father had an affair. He said he needed to work out of town for a couple of weeks. A year after I heard the news that I have a step sibling. A human being that I am connected to - a relative - my blood. I am not foreign with the word infidelity. But being the other woman in this situation. How the hell did it came to this?

I thought I had it under control. You approach me one day in my cubicle asking to have coffee. I knew you had a wife and four kids. Though at that time I'm feeling lousy thinking I can't get a man without doing something outside my comfort zone. Then you came along with your offer. So I oblige. I was thinking that I needed practice anyway - I needed to feel empowered. And after all these is over, I'll leave you because it's the right thing to do.

That sense of control that I thought I had ended up in your hands. Our coffee meetings became random lunches and dinners. Then it became a regular routine. I find the secrecy of it all too enticing to give it up just yet. I listened to you making excuses to your wife.

Am I? Am I a mistress? I guess so after we made love. Time flew by so fast. I didn't imagine that we've been "hanging out" for almost half a year now. Moreover I see most your stuff in my apartment. We are sort of like living together now (looking at my closet I made a space for your items).

Now on the eve of your child's birthday you are here in my place - passed out. I can't bear to look at you and act as if everything is okay. It's not.

Who's to blame? Am I still in control? I don't know if I am to be angry at myself or to my father's mistress. Are we the same (the mistress)? I don't want to believe it. I know we are not. Because I love him.

What is love anyway? I'm not a bad person. Infidelity is done by two people. It's a mutual consent. He is as guilty as I am. Am I suppose to feel better about it?

You came from behind and hugged me close. Water is still running. I can't feel it but I can feel you breathing in my neck. I can't let go just yet. I won't.

I still have control. I know I do. I know it because what I'm doing this for myself. I'm getting what I want and perhaps he is getting what he want as well.

"You have to go, your child is expecting you. It's his birthday today" I said.

"I'll drop by the house later - let's be like this just for a little while."

I still have control. I still have power over the situation. I can let go. I must. But not today, not now.