On the edge

And there she lies in the comfort of her room.

Staring in a vast space of nothingness.

Waiting.

Hoping.

She closed her eyes and forced a dream.

And although she knew she is far from where she started.

She still has a long way to go.

Sadly, she has little left in her to give.

She just wishes for everything to be great, to get an assurance that things will be okay.

On the break of giving up, she lies in the comfort of her room,

staring in a vast space of nothingness.

Waiting.

I want to go far far away from the place I call home. What is home anyway? I find it a place where I keep my stuff for safety. A place where I end up most nights from a long day of work. What I have now is far beyond the definition my kindergarten teacher use to tell us about home.

I admit I have a rough childhood and I shouldn't blame anyone nor myself. But there's only too much a person can take. And now I want to runaway. I want to be safe and all I can think about during this rebellion is you. I called you up and ask you to take me away. You didn't asked my why. You took the first train out and met me half an hour later. All I have with me was an overnight bag. We laughed and left the station.

I didn't know where we are going, neither did you. We spend the night in a beach south of the city. Cuddled together, you intrigued me with your knowledge about the stars. I follow your hand as you connect the dots forming figures of creatures in the night sky. You comforted me. You understood that all I needed was a moment of stillness away from the world.

"And if you find yourself lost, do know that you can always come back here".

A reassuring silence enveloped us as I closed my eyes for the time being.

Underwhelmed. The first word that came into my mind after we did it in your car a day ago. It's like all of my expectations of a wonderful time together was thrown outside the window. It wasn't that bad, it's just not what I expected. I didn't even cum for god sake.

Do I like you less? I don't know. I don't even know if I like you that much to begin with. Perhaps it was like the guy in the paradise. Perhaps it was only for the thrill of chasing someone. The thrill and excitement is what motivates me to pursue someone, that I know of myself.

I kinda missing someone right now, and it's definitely not you nor the guy from paradise. It's someone that I never had - another desire that might underwhelm me afterwards. What does this say about me? The person who seeks for something and ends up running away from it.

For sure, it's not love that I am searching for. companion, yes definitely. Someone that I could fuck and hold hands with. No emotional attachment (just drama). It's difficult to know what you really want. Like now, I end up surprising myself. I know that I want love, though I seek for something else.

I am complicated. I'll settle for that now.

I'm sitting beside you, drinking gin and tonic with our friends. Lips are running dry as I puff another cigarette to calm my nerves. Yes, why am I nervous? It's not like I'm new to your presence. I've known you for like three years know (and I've been liking you, on and off, since the day I caught a ride with you to school in freshman year).

Tonight, my expectations are really getting the best of me. Practically nothing will happen. For one, we are not alone. You are not the type of person that would do something that will get any sort of attention. Secondly, I am not so sure where I stand with you. Last time we "talked" you tried getting me in bed (not that I mind, I mean I would like to do it, though hopefully with long run commitment - hence I declined, which I kinda regret afterwards).

Pretty much I'm back to square one. Sitting beside you, reiterating our history together and hoping that by some miracle, you try to get me in bed (again). I made a random excuse so I could get away from the self-imposed tension and walk it off. This would be my last year and I don't want to ruin things by moping around with that "what could have been moment". Besides, people think that I'm a tough bitch who isn't into the emo stuff (yet alone be clingy). Better make a run now before spilling my guts in front of everybody. I better be careful as I have too much to drink.

"I need to call my dad"(a lame one especially in such late hour - thankfully they bought it. I ran across the shoreline. It's been a while since I've been out of the city. Peaceful is the way to describe the countryside. I found a perfect spot and sat in the sand. A bit chilly at this time of night but I could really use the time out. The alcohol is kicking in now, so I rested my head and stared at the night sky. It was beautiful.

"When will he come for me?" I asked myself. I didn't notice that I was speaking my mind when someone sat next beside me and said "whenever you're ready".

Harsh light was hitting my face the following day. Surprised that I slept outside the cabin. My head is ringing - "what the fuck happened?"