I don't know how to say this nor explain what I'm going through. I just know that I am an emotional wreck right now.

I feel indifferent - not happy nor sad. I'm not contented because I know something's missing. I don't look for it (whatever it is) nor do I think it's important to search for to begin with.

I sit still watching hours flew by in seconds. I drown myself with music and movies hoping that it'll define the emotion within me. So far I haven't gotten any answers yet.

This feeling of indifference is scary. It's seemingly numbing.

What will happen next?

Hold my hand

What do you do when face with problems?

I personally tend to look for someone to lean on. Given my family background I opt to console myself by looking for a partner believing that "the one" will solve my problems. Then when everything becomes more shitty I start talking to my friends.

Most of my worries tend to revolve around my love life and how crappy I feel that I don't have someone to talk to (other than them of course). They tend to ask me if I am ready for a commitment and I eagerly answer yes but they don't believe me and I understand it now (a bit).

I'm the kind of person who likes the idea of being in a relationship. I see it as an express pass for the finer things in life. It will save me from boredom through spontaneous dates and late night conversations. Pretty ideal setting right? Well that's me, I'm very much into chickflick movies. Never did it enter my head that the context of relationship is more than what I expect. Basically you have to maintain it and that needs a lot of work. Given my problems in life - hell I'm not sure if I can work things out with a partner.

I have a mistake at looking at my situation. I tend to create distractions instead of facing reality. I blatantly admit that I prefer solving other problems than my own. It's much easier and less drama. That's why I am a workaholic. At least it makes me productive and helps me sleep at night.

This is a very difficult cycle to break. I've tried having a "relationship" and I'm like "ehh" about it. It didn't have the definition that I was looking for so I ended up being a douche with this wonderful guy that deserved better. Then I become so emotional about it which added to my problems.

I need to be alone with myself and sort out my inner demons. And I am sorry to those that I used and to this one person that I think I like now, and I think he likes me to - but I seriously think we're just friends with benefits.

I hate nights like this.

It's not the feeling that you get but more of the reality that you can't talk about it. Misery is such a lousy companion. You simply go online and check your messages or visit your social network that contains thousands of friends with only few who really understand you. A seemingly good distraction yet depressing as none of them knows how you feel. They talk about stuff you are usually familiar with yet you find yourself disconnected making you feel unimportant.

Unimportant for the fact that regardless of what happens to you, people will continue to live their lives. They may speak about you - but not in the time that you needed them. Sad as it is, I guess that's how life works (for most of us anyway).

So tonight I feel like shit (like most nights).

My brother came to visit and I prepared him dinner. He seem so foreign making me feel like an only child. Distant conversations were exchanged over dinner. It is strangely comforting; still strange.

I've been trying, and in one day it'll be a month of doing nothing. It's difficult for me to do nothing. I have always been preoccupied with a lot of things that makes me forget the bigger picture of my life (a portrait that I would like to run away from - if possible forever). And with my current disposition (waiting for maybe nothing) it sucks and it makes me feel worthless.

So tonight, I feel like shit.

No one to talk to. No one even knows. I guess I'll just play loud music till I fall asleep - till I can't hear anything. I hope this not consumes me. I feel tired.

I hate nights like this.

I had to get out. I left immediately.

I remember it clearly. I invited you to a party. It was suppose to be our night. A time for us to just chill and be our goofy selves. Perhaps it could have been the night I admit that I really like you and would like to have more than casual sex; a courage that I developed after weeks of us being together.

But there's this doubt inside of me. A piece of insecurity that you might be using me. I was close to overcoming this that night.

Then we suddenly became intimate, like our previous nights together. This was the defining line that says my conscience might be right after all.

Us is something that gets you by. I am a fool to even pretend that we are something more.

So I had to get out. I left immediately.

I'm scared. Especially when the madness ends and all that's left is that soothing silence. Comforting as it may seem, you know that it will be another horrific moment - disaster seems to lurk whenever someone is at peace.

So I'm scared. Knowing that by the end of this, there will be another dilemma that I might not be able to solve.

Life used to be simple. As I recall, my childhood pretty much revolves around dilemmas on where to play and surpassing dull afternoons. I remember sleeping in my mom's bed while she prepares for work. She wakes me up for breakfast with her soothing aura. Everything was easy and I am sheltered.

Thirteen years later I am faced with grown-up work. I guess it's okay, then again I never fully enjoyed my childhood. When I was sixteen, my father failed the family and my mom though it was an irreparable damage. Separation took place. Dad lost his job when we really needed it because my mom just quit to study abroad (wrong timing - a series of unfortunate events). Bottom line, I had to grow up.

I started juggling school and chores. Sometimes I find sources of income as some of my expenses are not being met by my parents. I don't blame them, it's just that I can't seem to say that "life sucks" without hurting anyone. Hence, I can't complain.

We moved to my gram's place so we could save money with the house bills. My mom sends money from time to time while my dad tries his best to help with our school expenses. We are part of the below average earners but with a good education and sense of style, I guess people doesn't notice.

Why am I telling this? Because this pretty much is the foundation of all of my frustrations in life. At first, I am pretty much angry with everyone in the family. My mom use to cry whenever we talk over the phone. Then I realized that regardless of what I do or how I react, nothing happens, no one listens. So I started being reserved in the issue. At times I break down especially when I'm about to explode.

Sadly, no one hears this. Perhaps it is ego or that forty feet wall I built around myself. Still I need the world to see.

Life used to be simple. Years later I found out that it's far beyond what you are told. The challenge is for you to accept it and survive.