You don't get to say that I am an awful person because I am selfish.
You asked me upfront about us. I wasn't prepared for this confrontation because when you did we are on our way to some place (which I forget since you stormed out after I nonchalantly answered your question). I told you you're someone that I am accustomed to to be around with. You compliment me in a lot of ways but I guess it's not enough for me to say the words you always say to me. "I love you".
I just stared at you half daze and started walking. You grab me by the arm and asked if I feel the same way. Honestly at that moment I wasn't feeling it. You started to loose it and ran off. I didn't followed you. I just stood there thinking my to do list for the day and was a bit aggravated because you promise to go with me (yes, I was suppose to buy eggs for our meal later). The question still lingers, do I love you?
You didn't went home that day so I ate those eggs by myself. Trying to find an answer, I look back on our relationship. Yes I like to be with you. When I'm alone I look for you. I failed an exam you were there. I was bored to death you cut your class and accompanied me to the movies. I guess I could say that is love.
But then when I am happy and full of life you are the last person on my mind. What does that say? I can't leave without you but I can't stand you too near me especially when I'm preoccupied with the good things. I guess you are my safety net. You are neither good nor bad, you are a neutral being in my life. Most of the time I use you to get over predicaments and you lose your magic in times of joy.
I love the way you make me feel. But how does I make you feel? You said you love me despite all these things I've done. Do you feel that I'll change after I hear your pain? You call me selfish as I am depriving you with the love you feel you deserve. But you fell for me because of who I am not for who you want me to be. I'm trying to be logical here.
I'm selfish. That is true. But does it really make me a bad person to be as such? I didn't hurt you because it was your decision to follow through with this kind of relationship. And perhaps I have some secret that made me this way. Maybe it was the fear of being left alone that made me lack the capacity to fully share my self to you. Ever thought of that? The way I see it, being selfish makes me human.
I am not different from the thousand individuals whom have placed themselves out there to find love. I guess I got tired and started to believe that being selfish will allow me to feel a little bit of love without getting hurt in case it's another soon to be failed relationship. I am not invested hence I won't lose.
It's selfish of me to make you go through all this test for me to trust you. I guess you failed.
I am not a bad person for being selfish. I am not a bad person for not saying I love you back. I didn't feel like I need to say those words when in fact they weren't real to begin with. You don't deserve them, because you failed from rescuing my from myself.