I can't sleep. Before it was because I was scared I'll get suck under my bed believing there's a world underneath me. I had to call my mommy so she could cuddle with me as I fell asleep in her arms. She sometimes hum songs Before I thought it was a beautiful song that puts me to sleep - thinking my mom was a singer before she had to give it up just so as to have her family. Later I figured were some mixed up melody she just made up.
There came nights wherein mommy wasn't there. I have a weird relationship with my dad and I figured early on that he won't cuddle with me like mommy does. So I have to be brave enough to lie there on my own trying my best not to be swallowed by the monster lurking beneath me. I was a bit disappointed back then about my dad not able to show his affections like mommy does. Eventually I learn there are other ways a person can show his affection. In my later years I discovered that he'll do anything for us, for me and for that I am greatful. I guess he's just shy and thinks hugging isn't a masculine thing.
It took time before I realize such nonsense doesn't exists. My fear at night doesn't come from the monsters beneath my bed. They come from within. Every night till this day I have to face my inner demons which shows there truest form during times of stillness. A time where I find solitude. These "monsters" are a reflection of me. The night presents time and allows me to internalize. Most of the time I hate it. I hate the fact that I have to face my demons when my body demands some rest. But my conscience tells me otherwise. I sort them out night by night till point of exhaustion. Some nights I immediately fell asleep. But there will be nights like this wherein my demons keep me awake. I hate it most when I don't know what I am thinking - perhaps there is a lot going in, trail of thoughts flying around in my head without a single one registering. Sometimes it bugs me by not showing it's identity - hence no resolution, it just sits there.
I would prefer being scared by the monsters that use to reside under my bed. I guess they don't harm you. They may scare you but you eventually outgrew the fear and among them. But the monsters within us, you can't simply shun them. They will be there. Waiting.