Resolutions

It'll be simple really. This coming year, I will try my hardest to get the things that I want. Things that I feel that I deserve. I will be fearless. I will be the person that is admirable. I want to live my life with no regrets. I would like to be fulfilled.

Last night was so great. I got together with a few friends. I feel empowered whenever I get a chance to talk to them. They remind me of the changes I made to myself. They see the real me and I am grateful for that. They make me happy and they inspire me to be better in some weird way.

I will welcome the New Year with glee and anticipation of a great tomorrow. I know there will be problems and shitty moments. But who cares. Everyday somewhere in the world there are worse cases. I just need to look things differently. The world as it is is full of crap. The way you see it will define you and will set you apart from the rest.

I know that I'll be leaving 2011 with no regrets and about to welcome 2012. All is new and I'm excited to start a new chapter of my life.

The walls of Jericho

Is it really a fear of commitment?

In retrospect I have always end up with this notion. Not being ready. I brush of the idea of having a relationship. Instead I prefer the "fling" set-up - less messy and very simple.

Though I believe that my reasoning has turned into a defense mechanism against the bigger lie that I have made myself to believe. The fear of rejection. Most of the time I end up liking a guy and really enjoy his company. But halfway through the experience I lower my expectations to the point of killing the idea of the "what ifs" in life. Then we go our separate ways. I didn't get hurt in the process yet at the same time I didn't allow myself to feel either. Sadly I've been doing this with much success for the past couple of years.

Last night I had dinner with a couple of friends. I had to be drunk to admit (even to myself) that it is difficult for me to find true love. More so, it might not even exists in my case. I guess they were shock at my confession allowing them to sympathize and give me the pep talk that I needed.

If ever true love comes for me - I say it better bring a jackhammer with him to break down these walls. It's difficult to earn my trust. I seldom show my true self even with my friends. I blame the world for making me this - by choice or design I became a guarded person. I am gullible (to say the least) and I fall quickly but even I don't know if it's real or not. That's the major issue. Is it really love that I am offering, or another one of those defense mechanism society molded me into.

Perhaps it's easier to simply say I'm not ready for a commitment. For all the reasons even I can't understand. Still, I'm hoping that one day, he comes along and makes me understand about things, about love, about life.

Grab a piece of paper and start writing

I can't put things into words. This is the 5th or 6th version of this entry. I've been trying to write the things that has been bothering me, trail of thoughts that keep running through my mind, stuff that I just can't let go.

Ever had that feeling wherein you want to stop thinking and just rest your mind away from all things (both good and bad) and just be something else for a change.

I'm about to venture into something big. In a month's time I'll be starting work, my first! I'm not scared though I feel obliged to do well so that I could earn more. I really want to do a lot of things with my life. I want to be significant to people other than my family. I plan to help the people that touched my life. I want to give back - in a big way.

Knowing this clear goal that I have for my life is overwhelming. I'm twenty years old and I have at least thirty years to achieve all these. I want to die without ever worrying about money. Worrying whether I have enough for my family. I want to die with a smile on my face - knowing that I've done everything that I could to have a fulfilling life. It's not so much of having all the things that I wanted for myself in my teenage years. More of having enough to have a fulfilling life.

With all these big dreams that I want for my self and for my family lies big disappointments, no doubt about it. And I'm scared that there will be times that I'll fall and be alone in the path to greatness. I honestly believe that I can do it - to be all independent. But I hate to look back on the path that I choose and see myself walking alone. That I was able to help a lot of people, achieve a lot of things for myself yet, other than friends and family, there's no one to console me with a kind of affection that I am looking for. There are times that I feel that being single is empowering. That you don't need a partner to be a successful individual. This is true, although it can be lonely at the top. No one wants to be alone. Because at one point or another, you will look beyond all the silly lies you make yourself believe and know that you are alone (by choice or by design).

My siblings have their partners. My twenty years of existence, I've been the one who face the challenges alone. Family problems and all while my siblings have someone to distract them, give them a sense of encouragement that will empower them. My friends tells me that I am strong. Though the strong does fall as well.

This is all rant - not sure if I make sense. I need something to hold on. Something to look forward to.

Totally random. I asked myself what will be the perfect date? My answer's something spontaneous. Simple with a grand gesture that will make me feel that he has given his time for me. That will surely take my breath away. Perhaps in another lifetime.

The drunk housemate

Nights like these remind me why I had held for so long.

Another fight broke down earlier. A petty argument that was blown out to proportion. I am living with a person that thinks highly of himself yet does nothing in his life. People who thinks that they are doing you a favor when they keep reminding you the favors he did for you. Again same words left their mouths that I've been hearing for the past four years. He called us irresponsible and lazy - the irony of things.

Living under the wings of your relatives has limits. I just hate that they open there house for you then they always belittle you because of your disposition. I should have seen this happening - I felt cheated and trapped.

I just can't stand the fact that I am often judged by this one person - my uncle. He is a bastard. He thinks highly of himself and speaks his mind (no matter how irrelevant his views and opinions are to the world). He does the things that he wants as long as he gets funded by my grand mother. At the age of 45, he is hiding from the law because of an unpayed debt. He can't find a job because he stole from his previous employer and got blacklisted. He can't have a business because he is (yes LAZY). He doesn't want to do the nitty gritty of things and believes that a successful business comes from a very large capital. I'm guessing he's just waiting for my grand mother to die for inheritance.

So yes it's a major bitch to be judged by a dickhead like that one. I know the entire routine. He'll be nice tomorrow because he needs to borrow some of my stuff (camera, computer, etc.) so he could do his "project" for his so called business. He does toy figures for non-existing clients. All of his capital came from my grand mother who believes that her child's dream will eventually bear fruit. I believe the main role of my uncle is to maintain the cleanliness of this house, make repairs and cook meals. I mean, he's not doing productive things to be honest. My sister is studying law and I'll eventually do work and in the process of finalizing my paper works.

This is what I hate about uneducated people. They do not know the meaning of comparative advantage and efficiency. Never did they see the bigger picture in life and always goes back to their traditional lifestyle in the farm (or wherever they came from). I mean it's more efficient for him to do the things I just mentioned while the income earners do work and rest by the end of the day. He gains from it as well as he gets money to spend to his shit. But NO, people should contribute EQUALLY at home. That is freaking stupid.

Now that I'm feeling a bit better, I should probably get some rest. I can't wait for him to leave the house for Christmas. Being alone in the house is like a paid vacation on my end. You have no idea how peaceful and relaxing it is when he is not around.

-----

Job hunt is doing great. I have an offer in an MNC that is leading in its respected field. I hope to get a house, a condo or an apartment and leave this forsaken place. Hopefully by the age of 23 I could get a house. I should probably get a loan if I can't take it. I can't wait to start earning. I'll always give money to my grand mother, hopefully that will shut her up and his stupid son and leave my sister and I alone. All they need is money, that I know (the number one topic at the dinner table).

The world can be nice

Today was a surprising day. I have been down the dumps for the past few weeks because I'm unemployed. I keep applying for companies that I see myself in yet I easily get discourage because it's more common to get rejected than get hired. Moreover the waiting part of it all pretty sucks. You wait for calls one to three weeks after your interview - sometimes they don't even bother calling you.

Earlier today I was set to another interview in a publishing company. I kinda sucks that my interviewer had to reschedule on the last minute (when I was already there). "No worries" I said to myself and board the train on my way home. I was thinking that if I really want something and exert effort I can get it. Because the moment you decide to put yourself out there with no hesitations - the universe will align thus propelling you to greatness. Sometimes you get rejection, in my case six out of nine. Well opportunity will evidently come to anyone.

As I was on the rain my phone rang. It was a call from one of the early companies that I applied for. A reputable financial industry. I wasn't able to hear her clearly so I asked her to call me back a bit later. Moments later I got a text message from another company asking me to report for an interview with the manager. I have to make room for my schedule since I have a pending interview as well for my postponed meeting with the aforementioned publishing industry.

When I got home, I was able to talk to the caller earlier and she's securing me for a post in their company.

This was a great day. I hope tomorrow will be another great day.

I'm not a religious person but I'd link to thank my guiding force.

I want to go far far away from the place I call home. What is home anyway? I find it a place where I keep my stuff for safety. A place where I end up most nights from a long day of work. What I have now is far beyond the definition my kindergarten teacher use to tell us about home.

I admit I have a rough childhood and I shouldn't blame anyone nor myself. But there's only too much a person can take. And now I want to runaway. I want to be safe and all I can think about during this rebellion is you. I called you up and ask you to take me away. You didn't asked my why. You took the first train out and met me half an hour later. All I have with me was an overnight bag. We laughed and left the station.

I didn't know where we are going, neither did you. We spend the night in a beach south of the city. Cuddled together, you intrigued me with your knowledge about the stars. I follow your hand as you connect the dots forming figures of creatures in the night sky. You comforted me. You understood that all I needed was a moment of stillness away from the world.

"And if you find yourself lost, do know that you can always come back here".

A reassuring silence enveloped us as I closed my eyes for the time being.

Countdown

The weather's getting cold now.

I peered outside my window catching the last glimpse of rays before darkness sets in. I am troubled. I gathered my thoughts and made a list of all the things that worries me. There's my living condition. It's been four years since I left home and stayed at some relatives house. It bothers me that I feel distant to everyone in this house. Feeling as if I am a burden forced to abide by there rules in addition to there timely reminder of little monetary contribution I make. It connects to the pressure of getting a job. It will be my second month of being unemployed on the birth of Jesus Christ - just great, I'm really looking forward to that one. I had been making follow-ups to my one and only lead and I think the personnel's being irritated by me (so I have to stop that).

Today's the sixth day I haven't set foot outside the house. The house that asks me to do a lot of stuff so as to make me more productive in there eyes. I am living with an old lady who tends to complain about her family's misfortune every meal time. She also talks about how people are so rude that they had to make stories about each other. She's also so proud that she's not the kind of person who gossips, talk about integrity. She also has a son. The one who hates faggots and the country because he thinks of it as a breeding ground for the poor. He hates the less fortunate because of their mannerism or their lack of. Ironically this fellow here has no job and is hiding from authorities for he is indebted a hundred gran. He has an ego a size of a football field. I distinctly remembered this one time that I found this letter asking him to pay for such bill. He asked me that if someone comes to the house and asked to look for him that I shouldn't say his whereabouts. Funny, the way he said it to me. He sounded angry yet feeling as if he's above the law. He makes you feel that he is this big shot personality that could do whatever he wants. He dream is to buy his island and just stay there alone away from people. Whenever I here this about him, I tend to roll my eyes. He couldn't even afford a piece of gum.

This reality saddens me, as I am related to this two nutcase. By the end of the day you have to be proud from where you came from and the other affinity that goes with it. They are my uncle and my grand mother. They kept me after my parents separated. My mom went to California to study and find work. My dad stayed to some place (I'm guessing with his second family) and tries to visit me from time to time. I guess these two folks took pity on my and decided to keep me. Though what bothers me are the daily conflicts - of them making me feel that I am a burden. So much for keeping me in.

Sixteen days before the big night. I am not too excited about it. My grand mother will choose to sleep early. My uncle will spend the night at his girl friend's house and I am welcome to go there. My siblings (yes I have two) I'm guessing have already made plans of their own. So I'll celebrate all the greatness in my room. I have saved enough money to get my by for "special occasion". I'll probably buy a wine, a box of pizza and a DVD.

It's getting cold now. Sixteen days before the special day.

"So you're a Catholic?"

I nodded and ordered another glass of wine. I really didn't have to respond, knowing you are half interested to my story. True enough you started talking about your vineyard and its humble beginnings. I am use to nights like this. Pretending to listen to a narcissistic conversation. Feeding your ego by referencing on investments and bonds (big words that has no meaning to me whatsoever - all I know is that they are things for the rich kind). I am use to all this. I know when to smile and laugh so as to make you look good.

I caught myself playing with my rosary wrapped around my wrist. I wonder why he asked me about this? A worn out accessory that is not worth noticing. I've been collecting rosaries since I was a little girl. Back in my hometown I used to ask my father to give me one on my birthday. Since we don't have money, he makes it out of used materials which he scavenged. Then he'll accompany me to the church where we had it blessed. It is there that I make my birthday wish.

I was close to God until my father died and left me with a large amount of debt. I had to sell our little shack and all things in it. I was forced to live with a bunch of people in a community center. That is when life started for me. I had to make a living. Since I never attended schooling I am forced to oblige to prostitution.

The life I chose doesn't define me. That is what I keep telling myself. Every after work, I go home and pray. Hoping that I could get out - that one day I'll be saved. I guess after a while you tend to give up and accept reality. I earned enough money to move myself to a bigger city with better paying customers.

It's been five years. I guess this is the only thing that reminds me of my old life.

Now, I am sitting in a five star hotel about to accompany this man to his room. You grabbed my wrist covering the beaded jewelry that once defined me.

I don't know how to say this nor explain what I'm going through. I just know that I am an emotional wreck right now.

I feel indifferent - not happy nor sad. I'm not contented because I know something's missing. I don't look for it (whatever it is) nor do I think it's important to search for to begin with.

I sit still watching hours flew by in seconds. I drown myself with music and movies hoping that it'll define the emotion within me. So far I haven't gotten any answers yet.

This feeling of indifference is scary. It's seemingly numbing.

What will happen next?

She stepped out from her comfort zone and finally told him how she really feel. He looked at her distantly as the void between them becomes clear.

Three months ago he was head over heels for this woman. You have no idea. He picks up her laundry every weekend. Goes to her apartment and cleans for her. He even makes an effort in preparing food the night before just so she has something to bite on (he knows that she doesn’t like the food being serve in their cafeteria). So every night in between his readings he goes online and research on foods with blueberries because it’s her favorite.
She might have taken him for granted but who can blame her? Ever since she was little she hid her emotions. When she was six her father died. Knowing that her mom will be sad if she see her cry, she tried to be strong. It soon consumed her – being the strong one in the family as she never wants to see her mom cry. She does show affection through her nods and small gesture but never in the form that he understands.

At first he compromised. So she got by with her half smiles whenever he drops by at her place. Every after sex he likes to cuddle – she doesn’t. She also hates being held in public finding it offensive. His antics of affection are being dejected. He soon became jaded. He felt that he belongs to a relationship that lacks its essence.
So he had to let go. The guy was completely defenseless from the beginning. Love isn’t enough for him to stay as it felt unrequited. She was willing to change but for him it felt wrong. One must not force himself to another if it really doesn’t fit to begin with. They did try after all.

She stepped out from her comfort zone. She told him she loved him and wants to bring him back.

He looked at her for a moment. Trying to find in his heart whatever’s left. All he could see are the walls she built to protect herself from harm. He understood it completely. Sadly, he’s not able to break them down.

Hello December

In two hours I have a date with two of my gal pals from college.

What are we gonna talk about? What will I tell them when they ask me how's it going?

I look back this week and ponder the latest happening and discoveries. I got reacquainted with my mom and that she gave me awesome advice in life (highly needed). I dunno her words empowered me to just push forward (see previous post on complete details).

Then there's my "friendship" with this guy in college. He "asked me out" but i forgot to reply to his message so that didn't went well. It bugs me a little bit. I mean honestly I don't want the friends with benefits setup like I used to. It seem immature and I kinda not like the anymore (I'll definitely tell this to my friends). I guess I outgrew him sooner than expected.

Also I had this weird dream that I was a seer similar to a character from the book that I was reading last night. I dreamt that I was having vision through my dreams and then they happened. A real inception feeling if you'd ask me. Part of my vision was that my crush in high school which ended badly texted a very sweet message (which was sucky as I've been waiting for that dream for like centuries now). Next thing I knew I felt like it's gonna rain and when I woke up it started to rain (weird).

I might add my crush in Facebook. He does go to the same school as my older brother (I know lame excuse and doesn't even make sense). Hmmm.

Oh and I again submitted my resume to a couple of companies last night and earlier today so cross thy fingers!

I'll prolly tumblr first while playing a couple of music before preparing for our little get together. Hello December - be nice to me :)