If you are looking for work and has no job you are part of the technical definition of the unemployed. That's something I learned in my three year stay in college (yes I once consider myself smart). I took Economics as my major and finished early with latin honors under my belt thank you very much.
But how come I find it very difficult to get employed? I just crossed out a name out of my potential employers's list yesterday (now I only have two left - actually it might turn to one by the end of the week as I flunk the exam of the other company, so much for being smart).
So basically I tend to rant for a couple hours and search for possible jobs in the net. I tend to get discourage as most of them are way below or above my standards. I find it really difficult to start really. I get discouraged easily and tweet things or blog about how shitty my life is right now. It's been a month and a couple of days since I last became productive (actually doing something that gets me somewhere). I know I'm not lost, but getting to the next phase of your life is irritating - a lot of pressures.
I was able to talk to my mom yesterday. I shared her my frustrations and the pressure that I am feeling. She was pretty calm about things and understands where I am coming from hence she tells me to take my time on things. She told me that somewhere out there is the one job that is right for you - all you have to do is wait (and of course send your resumes to those big shot companies).
I forgot to ask her that regardless of the company - the work that I'm getting in such company is the one I have problem with. I have no idea what I want. When I entered college, I chose a business course because I am clueless of what to get. At least with "business" there's always room for employment relative to others (stupid belief I know). I finished the course with good grades. And know I'm thinking of the what ifs (what if I took the course in architecture because I always dream to be an interior designer). Ideals that will never be a reality. I just need to push and walk to the direction I chose.
My mom'ms parting words are, "Your self-worth diminishes depending on how you want to see yourself. You know yourself better than anyone and you know how far you can reach and do beyond anyone else so be confident with that knowledge, it will hold you through".
I guess I should just trust my instincts. I mean if I really don't want a job in this company I shouldn't take it. I know my options are not as much and I don't want to be picky yet at the same time I shouldn't sell my self short.
So yes to not sending my resumes to three companies that are urgently looking for data analysts and finance sales executive. I shall wait for the company that is for me - I sure hope it comes sooner to keep me sane.
Wednesday
Sunday
Hold my hand
What do you do when face with problems?
I personally tend to look for someone to lean on. Given my family background I opt to console myself by looking for a partner believing that "the one" will solve my problems. Then when everything becomes more shitty I start talking to my friends.
Most of my worries tend to revolve around my love life and how crappy I feel that I don't have someone to talk to (other than them of course). They tend to ask me if I am ready for a commitment and I eagerly answer yes but they don't believe me and I understand it now (a bit).
I'm the kind of person who likes the idea of being in a relationship. I see it as an express pass for the finer things in life. It will save me from boredom through spontaneous dates and late night conversations. Pretty ideal setting right? Well that's me, I'm very much into chickflick movies. Never did it enter my head that the context of relationship is more than what I expect. Basically you have to maintain it and that needs a lot of work. Given my problems in life - hell I'm not sure if I can work things out with a partner.
I have a mistake at looking at my situation. I tend to create distractions instead of facing reality. I blatantly admit that I prefer solving other problems than my own. It's much easier and less drama. That's why I am a workaholic. At least it makes me productive and helps me sleep at night.
This is a very difficult cycle to break. I've tried having a "relationship" and I'm like "ehh" about it. It didn't have the definition that I was looking for so I ended up being a douche with this wonderful guy that deserved better. Then I become so emotional about it which added to my problems.
I need to be alone with myself and sort out my inner demons. And I am sorry to those that I used and to this one person that I think I like now, and I think he likes me to - but I seriously think we're just friends with benefits.
I personally tend to look for someone to lean on. Given my family background I opt to console myself by looking for a partner believing that "the one" will solve my problems. Then when everything becomes more shitty I start talking to my friends.
Most of my worries tend to revolve around my love life and how crappy I feel that I don't have someone to talk to (other than them of course). They tend to ask me if I am ready for a commitment and I eagerly answer yes but they don't believe me and I understand it now (a bit).
I'm the kind of person who likes the idea of being in a relationship. I see it as an express pass for the finer things in life. It will save me from boredom through spontaneous dates and late night conversations. Pretty ideal setting right? Well that's me, I'm very much into chickflick movies. Never did it enter my head that the context of relationship is more than what I expect. Basically you have to maintain it and that needs a lot of work. Given my problems in life - hell I'm not sure if I can work things out with a partner.
I have a mistake at looking at my situation. I tend to create distractions instead of facing reality. I blatantly admit that I prefer solving other problems than my own. It's much easier and less drama. That's why I am a workaholic. At least it makes me productive and helps me sleep at night.
This is a very difficult cycle to break. I've tried having a "relationship" and I'm like "ehh" about it. It didn't have the definition that I was looking for so I ended up being a douche with this wonderful guy that deserved better. Then I become so emotional about it which added to my problems.
I need to be alone with myself and sort out my inner demons. And I am sorry to those that I used and to this one person that I think I like now, and I think he likes me to - but I seriously think we're just friends with benefits.
Friday
Friends
I believe that I have awesome friends.
Often times I take them for granted but when push comes to shove I find ways to reconnect. I am satisfied with their numbers. Not as many compared to one's bajillion friends in facebook but enough to call my own.
I appreciate the fact that we share each other's hopes and dreams. We connect through our ambitions and failures in life. And every time one succeeds, it's like you share that triumph all together.
I love my friends. I know it was difficult for them to get to know me, and I had a hard time introducing the real me as well.
Thanks.
Often times I take them for granted but when push comes to shove I find ways to reconnect. I am satisfied with their numbers. Not as many compared to one's bajillion friends in facebook but enough to call my own.
I appreciate the fact that we share each other's hopes and dreams. We connect through our ambitions and failures in life. And every time one succeeds, it's like you share that triumph all together.
I love my friends. I know it was difficult for them to get to know me, and I had a hard time introducing the real me as well.
Thanks.
Sticker collection
I used to have one. I remember placing pokemon stickers in a small card sleeve. I was five and I don't keep things well. I vividly remember that I aspire to make my collection twice its current size. I recall all the possible small shops where I can purchase them. I was so excited for the coming days as I have this plan for the ultimate collection.
I was five and I don't keep things well.
The same night, I checked on my collection and try to shuffle them up - just because. They started to stick to each other, tearing most of 'em especially the little ones that have delicate designs.
Next thing I knew I forgot about my mini-collection and the dream behind it. I didn't even felt disappointed, I just decided to move on.
There's a lesson there somewhere. I just need to find it.
I was five and I don't keep things well.
The same night, I checked on my collection and try to shuffle them up - just because. They started to stick to each other, tearing most of 'em especially the little ones that have delicate designs.
Next thing I knew I forgot about my mini-collection and the dream behind it. I didn't even felt disappointed, I just decided to move on.
There's a lesson there somewhere. I just need to find it.
Thursday
So I'll be attending this event of a friend of mine tomorrow. I need to get out of this house. Whenever I'm this active in my online accounts I am that insane (or about to be).
I'm not sure if I am really looking forward to seeing all those people. I mean we'll have some good laughs and bunch of drinks. Might be able to meet new people in the shindig. However no one will be to notice how terrible I have become for the past weeks. Perhaps I too can't tell if they are hurting. We might end up hurting each other if we say something inappropriate.
So yeah, I'll be there "partying" so to speak. I hope tomorrow there's something different. I need to get out more often.
I'm not sure if I am really looking forward to seeing all those people. I mean we'll have some good laughs and bunch of drinks. Might be able to meet new people in the shindig. However no one will be to notice how terrible I have become for the past weeks. Perhaps I too can't tell if they are hurting. We might end up hurting each other if we say something inappropriate.
So yeah, I'll be there "partying" so to speak. I hope tomorrow there's something different. I need to get out more often.
Sometimes you just don't know.
I've been at home the entire day. Tried my luck sending some resumes in a couple of reputable companies. I hope I won't soon end up settling for some mediocre job.
I have come to realize that most of the time we pretend to know where we are heading. We always try to reassure ourselves that we like the path that we choose because we decided to take that first step.
But there will be times, like where I am now, wherein you just don't know where the path leads to. Believe me it's scary, but to be scared and not do anything about things is scarier. I want to believe that there are good things destined for everyone. It is scary to take that leap of faith and say I'm going to do this and control my life. I guess the first step is to grasp the idea that we don't have control of what is to come. We don't know where we will end up nor have a clear vision on where we are heading. We do know one thing and that is to take that first step forward.
Sometimes you just don't know. It's not better but it's reality. We just have to face it.
I've been at home the entire day. Tried my luck sending some resumes in a couple of reputable companies. I hope I won't soon end up settling for some mediocre job.
I have come to realize that most of the time we pretend to know where we are heading. We always try to reassure ourselves that we like the path that we choose because we decided to take that first step.
But there will be times, like where I am now, wherein you just don't know where the path leads to. Believe me it's scary, but to be scared and not do anything about things is scarier. I want to believe that there are good things destined for everyone. It is scary to take that leap of faith and say I'm going to do this and control my life. I guess the first step is to grasp the idea that we don't have control of what is to come. We don't know where we will end up nor have a clear vision on where we are heading. We do know one thing and that is to take that first step forward.
Sometimes you just don't know. It's not better but it's reality. We just have to face it.
I hate nights like this.
It's not the feeling that you get but more of the reality that you can't talk about it. Misery is such a lousy companion. You simply go online and check your messages or visit your social network that contains thousands of friends with only few who really understand you. A seemingly good distraction yet depressing as none of them knows how you feel. They talk about stuff you are usually familiar with yet you find yourself disconnected making you feel unimportant.
Unimportant for the fact that regardless of what happens to you, people will continue to live their lives. They may speak about you - but not in the time that you needed them. Sad as it is, I guess that's how life works (for most of us anyway).
So tonight I feel like shit (like most nights).
My brother came to visit and I prepared him dinner. He seem so foreign making me feel like an only child. Distant conversations were exchanged over dinner. It is strangely comforting; still strange.
I've been trying, and in one day it'll be a month of doing nothing. It's difficult for me to do nothing. I have always been preoccupied with a lot of things that makes me forget the bigger picture of my life (a portrait that I would like to run away from - if possible forever). And with my current disposition (waiting for maybe nothing) it sucks and it makes me feel worthless.
So tonight, I feel like shit.
No one to talk to. No one even knows. I guess I'll just play loud music till I fall asleep - till I can't hear anything. I hope this not consumes me. I feel tired.
I hate nights like this.
It's not the feeling that you get but more of the reality that you can't talk about it. Misery is such a lousy companion. You simply go online and check your messages or visit your social network that contains thousands of friends with only few who really understand you. A seemingly good distraction yet depressing as none of them knows how you feel. They talk about stuff you are usually familiar with yet you find yourself disconnected making you feel unimportant.
Unimportant for the fact that regardless of what happens to you, people will continue to live their lives. They may speak about you - but not in the time that you needed them. Sad as it is, I guess that's how life works (for most of us anyway).
So tonight I feel like shit (like most nights).
My brother came to visit and I prepared him dinner. He seem so foreign making me feel like an only child. Distant conversations were exchanged over dinner. It is strangely comforting; still strange.
I've been trying, and in one day it'll be a month of doing nothing. It's difficult for me to do nothing. I have always been preoccupied with a lot of things that makes me forget the bigger picture of my life (a portrait that I would like to run away from - if possible forever). And with my current disposition (waiting for maybe nothing) it sucks and it makes me feel worthless.
So tonight, I feel like shit.
No one to talk to. No one even knows. I guess I'll just play loud music till I fall asleep - till I can't hear anything. I hope this not consumes me. I feel tired.
I hate nights like this.
Monday
I had to get out. I left immediately.
I remember it clearly. I invited you to a party. It was suppose to be our night. A time for us to just chill and be our goofy selves. Perhaps it could have been the night I admit that I really like you and would like to have more than casual sex; a courage that I developed after weeks of us being together.
But there's this doubt inside of me. A piece of insecurity that you might be using me. I was close to overcoming this that night.
Then we suddenly became intimate, like our previous nights together. This was the defining line that says my conscience might be right after all.
Us is something that gets you by. I am a fool to even pretend that we are something more.
So I had to get out. I left immediately.
I remember it clearly. I invited you to a party. It was suppose to be our night. A time for us to just chill and be our goofy selves. Perhaps it could have been the night I admit that I really like you and would like to have more than casual sex; a courage that I developed after weeks of us being together.
But there's this doubt inside of me. A piece of insecurity that you might be using me. I was close to overcoming this that night.
Then we suddenly became intimate, like our previous nights together. This was the defining line that says my conscience might be right after all.
Us is something that gets you by. I am a fool to even pretend that we are something more.
So I had to get out. I left immediately.
Saturday
Soul mates.
Earlier today I've heard about this great conversation about soul mates from a talk show - the debate of its realness, and how it is for different people.
In that show, one of the ladies contradicts this idea. She's more realistic about the situation. She is happily married and admits that her husband might not be her "soul mate". That the idea of having one is shady to begin with. What if your "soul mate" lives in China hence making it difficult for you to meet? Not every one meets in the real world hence you end up with someone you may want to believe is your soul mate. And there's nothing wrong with that. Her point is that you make decisions for yourself(she blatantly admits that she can be happy with someone else other than her husband); point is that you make decision for the right guy for you and the idea of having a soul mate is somewhat made up (like the spark in every relationship).
For me, I would like to believe that soul mates are real - even though I have yet to experience the idea of it. I guess I'm one of the many people in the world that needs to believe that there's something great out there for everyone, waiting to be found. It is important so that we look forward for everyday till we find our soul mate. And yes if he lives in China then I'll prolly book the first flight and find him there.
I'm so idealistic right now. I find it empowering and different (good different).
All I know is that I may or may not find him today, or tomorrow or next week - but if I give up now, then I will probably not get to know this great man for me.
Earlier today I've heard about this great conversation about soul mates from a talk show - the debate of its realness, and how it is for different people.
In that show, one of the ladies contradicts this idea. She's more realistic about the situation. She is happily married and admits that her husband might not be her "soul mate". That the idea of having one is shady to begin with. What if your "soul mate" lives in China hence making it difficult for you to meet? Not every one meets in the real world hence you end up with someone you may want to believe is your soul mate. And there's nothing wrong with that. Her point is that you make decisions for yourself(she blatantly admits that she can be happy with someone else other than her husband); point is that you make decision for the right guy for you and the idea of having a soul mate is somewhat made up (like the spark in every relationship).
For me, I would like to believe that soul mates are real - even though I have yet to experience the idea of it. I guess I'm one of the many people in the world that needs to believe that there's something great out there for everyone, waiting to be found. It is important so that we look forward for everyday till we find our soul mate. And yes if he lives in China then I'll prolly book the first flight and find him there.
I'm so idealistic right now. I find it empowering and different (good different).
All I know is that I may or may not find him today, or tomorrow or next week - but if I give up now, then I will probably not get to know this great man for me.
Hello.
So I have to make this really quick because my best friend's waiting for a skype session.
So...I have been a bum for 24 days now (will be a month by the 25th). I am really looking forward to getting this job in a finance company (one of the best) - I am really excited.
Today - I'm feeling really happy. Immediately after college I started looking for a job and well, things didn't actually go according to plan hence my ideal scenario is a bit shady right now.
My ultimate dream is to have an apartment and a decent job - live in New York and meet my partner that will make me happy. I am currently 20 years old and is staying at my grand parent's place, struggling and well making the best out of what I have (oh and I'm still single). A bit far from what my ideals but hey, it's something.
One of those nights wherein you feel like life really sucks so you just have to live it.
For now I am happy. And I want to remember this night as it is.
Night for now.
Sincerely,
Boy wonder.
So I have to make this really quick because my best friend's waiting for a skype session.
So...I have been a bum for 24 days now (will be a month by the 25th). I am really looking forward to getting this job in a finance company (one of the best) - I am really excited.
Today - I'm feeling really happy. Immediately after college I started looking for a job and well, things didn't actually go according to plan hence my ideal scenario is a bit shady right now.
My ultimate dream is to have an apartment and a decent job - live in New York and meet my partner that will make me happy. I am currently 20 years old and is staying at my grand parent's place, struggling and well making the best out of what I have (oh and I'm still single). A bit far from what my ideals but hey, it's something.
One of those nights wherein you feel like life really sucks so you just have to live it.
For now I am happy. And I want to remember this night as it is.
Night for now.
Sincerely,
Boy wonder.
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