What do you do when face with problems?
I personally tend to look for someone to lean on. Given my family background I opt to console myself by looking for a partner believing that "the one" will solve my problems. Then when everything becomes more shitty I start talking to my friends.
Most of my worries tend to revolve around my love life and how crappy I feel that I don't have someone to talk to (other than them of course). They tend to ask me if I am ready for a commitment and I eagerly answer yes but they don't believe me and I understand it now (a bit).
I'm the kind of person who likes the idea of being in a relationship. I see it as an express pass for the finer things in life. It will save me from boredom through spontaneous dates and late night conversations. Pretty ideal setting right? Well that's me, I'm very much into chickflick movies. Never did it enter my head that the context of relationship is more than what I expect. Basically you have to maintain it and that needs a lot of work. Given my problems in life - hell I'm not sure if I can work things out with a partner.
I have a mistake at looking at my situation. I tend to create distractions instead of facing reality. I blatantly admit that I prefer solving other problems than my own. It's much easier and less drama. That's why I am a workaholic. At least it makes me productive and helps me sleep at night.
This is a very difficult cycle to break. I've tried having a "relationship" and I'm like "ehh" about it. It didn't have the definition that I was looking for so I ended up being a douche with this wonderful guy that deserved better. Then I become so emotional about it which added to my problems.
I need to be alone with myself and sort out my inner demons. And I am sorry to those that I used and to this one person that I think I like now, and I think he likes me to - but I seriously think we're just friends with benefits.