This is the moment wherein every girl I know would say "yes". Your favorite song being played in the background while you are on top of a thirty feet building with a beautiful view of the city that seemingly lights up just for the two of you.
You stand in front of me in one knee asking me the question of spending our lives forever. I stand in front of you teary eyed and speechless. And in that moment I knew that this isn't right, that somehow the world is telling me to jump of the building or else you'll die when you finally say no to this wonderful guy.
In these last few seconds I ask myself, trying to gauge the pros and cons. You might ask me, how on earth did this proposal happen if you guys aren't that into each other. Truth be told, he became my partner because he was there and he says all the right things. Besides, when he asked to me to be his partner a year ago I was okay with it. My thinking is that I have acquired someone that likes me enough to stay for the night, cuddle and share my dinner every now and then. He is someone that is close to me - close enough to know my problems in life and deals with it (even helps me out of it). He makes me happy. So I said yes to be his lover.
A year has gone by then this. I dunno. Did I settled with him? He was the only one who was available back then. Then again he seems to be a good option. An option. Is that how I see him? Logically speaking everyone chose their partners like a can good in a supermarket. You have to choose the best one base on your preference and constraints (for goods it's money, for relationships it's your appearance and lifestyle). I didn't settle. I choose him because he, after all, fits to my "constraints". A gangly guy who is taller than me, owns a car and has a decent job. Yup. Perfect fit.
You asked me again the question of forever. It hit me. I do love you. As an option (that sounds awful) you are perfect. But I don't love you enough to be committed forever. It's like when you have a boyfriend during your teenage years, it's not forever-forever more of forever-until-the-next-guy-comes-then-we-will-see sort of a thing.
This decision I have to make. My answer doesn't mean that I don't love you nor does it mean that I am not ready (because believe me this is not something that I'm looking forward with you - I guess that's it). You are boyfriend material not a forever kind of a deal.
So tonight I'll say no and broke your heart. I can see it now, our perfect (the way I see it) setup / relationship is totally ruined. When our friends ask I'll be the bitch who is cold hearted and evil who turned down a wonderful opportunity. Then again if you truly knew me for that one year of living together you'll find out that I am not comfortable with the forever crap (perhaps not with you nor with anyone for that matter). Perhaps I am satisfied with what we have (or used to after this) and because of this freaking proposal you have ruined it not just for yourself but for me as well.
I gave a huge sigh. I said no.