The waiting is the hardest part

I was heading home catching the last train heading north. I was looking forward to my weekend especially now that I'm working five times a week. It is true that once you start working, you value your free time more than before.

It was a Friday night and I plan to have dinner near my place before going home. As I reach for my phone it dawned on me how alone I am. I have a list in my head (my go to buddies so to speak) but given the short notice I reckon they couldn't make it. I starting questioning myself. How on earth did it lead to this?

Ever since I made it a point to not show any sign of weakness. So every time I am out with friends (or crushes) I showcase my tough exterior. Then I got the hang of it that I started being comfortable with the idea of being alone for most part of the day. When I get bored, I find it easy to find a group to kill time then I go back to my regular routine - alone. The only problem with this cycle is when I don't find a group when I get bored (and in this predicament I find myself alone in a train on a Friday night).

I pretended to be okay but I can feel my discomfort that I am not looking forward to anyone at that night and probably the following week. I feel invisible in my own world.

The idea of the one suddenly came into the picture. What if ten years from now he'll come for me. With all the mixed up fantasy I have created in my head - it will be one of the best moments I will ever had. Similar to the movies that I have seen for a thousand of times. Just like any other day we will meet. Perhaps I won't feel like he is the one but fate will evidently lead us together.

But in ten years, who will I be? With my decisions that lead me to this point, will he still fall for me? Or maybe I am asking the wrong question. Will anyone fall for me given my current state of mind? If that is the case that I am far from having him as I am still not the person he will love ten years from now.

I reach my destination. As I alighted the train I figured that if I had to change then he has to be worth the wait.

To my grandfather Bansoy

I never gotten a chance to really know you. I only remember you as the guy who gets sick a lot and gets annoyed by the way your family treats you because of your condition. You are stubborn in seeking medical attention because you feel it's a burden for the family financially. And because of it they find you irritating most of the time and you do hear about it. As painful as it is, you are being judged by your known family because whatever you do they see you as the adopted sibling who owes them your life and for that they feel they have control over you.

I really don't know your history but I know for a fact the way you have been treated doesn't justify their actions towards you. I remember you as the guy who sits in a corner during family affairs and always being called by your siblings as a stubborn person who doesn't think twice about your actions. This is the picture that was painted for me growing up. I guess they failed to see that your actions speaks on how you want to live your life in the time you have left. And they should support your actions, even if they are not good for you they have no right to call you stupid or reckless because they are too concern of saving your life that they do not allow you to live it at all. You are old aged and like your siblings they too are irritating but to set you a part isn't fair.

That's why when I heard earlier today that you passed away I felt bad. I felt bad for a couple of reasons. First is the way you have been treated for the last few years of your life. Second is the way you have lived your life in those remaining times when you are being restricted. I saw you this year once when you came for a visit. I would like to talk to you and your wife but it made me realize that we don't know anything about each other and most likely you don't know who I am. I felt distant and was sad about my realizations.

So to my grandfather who just passed away. I hope that you are in a better place. I hope that you forgive yourself for being the kind of person you think you are because I see you differently. I am sorry for not being there at all for whatever reason I could think of. To my grandfather Bansoy, I hope and pray that you are in a better place.