I hate nights like this.

It's not the feeling that you get but more of the reality that you can't talk about it. Misery is such a lousy companion. You simply go online and check your messages or visit your social network that contains thousands of friends with only few who really understand you. A seemingly good distraction yet depressing as none of them knows how you feel. They talk about stuff you are usually familiar with yet you find yourself disconnected making you feel unimportant.

Unimportant for the fact that regardless of what happens to you, people will continue to live their lives. They may speak about you - but not in the time that you needed them. Sad as it is, I guess that's how life works (for most of us anyway).

So tonight I feel like shit (like most nights).

My brother came to visit and I prepared him dinner. He seem so foreign making me feel like an only child. Distant conversations were exchanged over dinner. It is strangely comforting; still strange.

I've been trying, and in one day it'll be a month of doing nothing. It's difficult for me to do nothing. I have always been preoccupied with a lot of things that makes me forget the bigger picture of my life (a portrait that I would like to run away from - if possible forever). And with my current disposition (waiting for maybe nothing) it sucks and it makes me feel worthless.

So tonight, I feel like shit.

No one to talk to. No one even knows. I guess I'll just play loud music till I fall asleep - till I can't hear anything. I hope this not consumes me. I feel tired.

I hate nights like this.