I have been trying to put a brave face when I am in front of peers for the past few days because lately that's all I believe I have. The comfort that people surrounding me thinks that I am happy and full of energy when in fact I am no where near my great facade.
I have three aspect of my life - family, career and love. Never did I ever did things right with each aspect and when one falters, others compensate for those that lacks; but when the three falls down there's chaos.
Family.
As early as seven I have gotten well acquainted with the word dysfunctional. Parents that fought in front of kids about adultery and love child that may or may not exist. I have older siblings that are self-absorbed and vengeful. The perfect "role models" for a kid fearful of his homosexual secret and be burned alive by his family. They taught me a valuable lesson, independence. That you can never be weak. And when push comes to shove you ought to push back.
As time goes by, I have accepted these learning and became this person that I am. Narcissistic and strong willed - hating the fact that at times I show compassion which I believe is a sign of weakness. Probably it's coming from the fact that I am still that dear boy that is fearful of what is to come. That regardless of what I do or prove that i can do, I'll be judged and not be accepted. Acting that I'll be okay is just one of those brave faces that I put up. I am considered as a sin, a sickness and I can't accept the idea of not being accepted. Pushing them away makes it easier, makes it bearable. Cutting all emotional attachment seems the perfect solution.
So now, I have a separated parents that barely talks at all. Siblings that I barely talk to. We have financial issues because of my father's infidelity and my mom's aspiration for greatness by following her dreams at the expense of, basically us.
Career.
To prove self-worth I have done everything by the book. Got to school, graduated with flying colors. Took business school because it's the right thing to do and given the financial constraint, I don't have the time to think things through. I need to get a degree so i wouldn't be an added burden.
So I finished a degree in Economics and got started in the industry immediately after graduating. Ten months down the line, I am not please. I have a repetitive task with minimal thinking. I have a boss that is stubborn as I am. I have peers that are given high appraisals that i feel they do not deserve. I am in a place that I believe I am better off.
And I want to leave but given the financial situation I cannot. Independence. I am supporting myself. I buy things that gives me the feeling of importance. I cover myself with luxury to cover the shitty things in my life - a momentary relief before reality sinks in that I am stuck in this job and this family.
Love.
I have never been successful in this area though ever since I was little I had made myself believe that this is my ticket to a better life. I have been a fan of romantic movies and has fallen in love to the idea that a young man will save me from this life that I have. Though as time goes by the illusion of a happily ever after is beginning to fade.
A couple of months back I went berserk and started hooking up with random guys. The excitement of meeting people and one night stands makes me feel special. Then it made me feel like a trash - twice as shitty as before. Like an addict, I continue to pursue such road. Why? Because I felt visible for the first time. I feel important even for just a couple of hours. I had company - someone to listen to. A momentary cure of a lifelong despair.
Three things that came crashing down last week. I have never felt so alone in life without purpose. The family situation, is gonna be like this. I learned that I just need to focus on myself and get away as soon as possible. Save enough to move out. And to do that, I need a good paying job hence this shitty analyst gig that I currently have. Our year end evaluation is about to come up. Sadly I don't feel any promotion or raise laid for me. And with love, other than the weekly hook-ups that I conjure in my magic computer - I am far too broken to even offer myself for a real commitment.
Pretty much I am stuck.