I never planned to be in this position.
I slowly turned the knob and felt the water through my body. Hot nor cold - I can't feel it. I just know that water is rushing through and it's hitting my body, cleansing me, slowly.
"How did I get here?" I keep asking myself that question from the moment I met you, the moment I allowed myself to feel something. Infidelity. A word that I am much familiar with. I was raised by my mother alone because my father had an affair. He said he needed to work out of town for a couple of weeks. A year after I heard the news that I have a step sibling. A human being that I am connected to - a relative - my blood. I am not foreign with the word infidelity. But being the other woman in this situation. How the hell did it came to this?
I thought I had it under control. You approach me one day in my cubicle asking to have coffee. I knew you had a wife and four kids. Though at that time I'm feeling lousy thinking I can't get a man without doing something outside my comfort zone. Then you came along with your offer. So I oblige. I was thinking that I needed practice anyway - I needed to feel empowered. And after all these is over, I'll leave you because it's the right thing to do.
That sense of control that I thought I had ended up in your hands. Our coffee meetings became random lunches and dinners. Then it became a regular routine. I find the secrecy of it all too enticing to give it up just yet. I listened to you making excuses to your wife.
Am I? Am I a mistress? I guess so after we made love. Time flew by so fast. I didn't imagine that we've been "hanging out" for almost half a year now. Moreover I see most your stuff in my apartment. We are sort of like living together now (looking at my closet I made a space for your items).
Now on the eve of your child's birthday you are here in my place - passed out. I can't bear to look at you and act as if everything is okay. It's not.
Who's to blame? Am I still in control? I don't know if I am to be angry at myself or to my father's mistress. Are we the same (the mistress)? I don't want to believe it. I know we are not. Because I love him.
What is love anyway? I'm not a bad person. Infidelity is done by two people. It's a mutual consent. He is as guilty as I am. Am I suppose to feel better about it?
You came from behind and hugged me close. Water is still running. I can't feel it but I can feel you breathing in my neck. I can't let go just yet. I won't.
I still have control. I know I do. I know it because what I'm doing this for myself. I'm getting what I want and perhaps he is getting what he want as well.
"You have to go, your child is expecting you. It's his birthday today" I said.
"I'll drop by the house later - let's be like this just for a little while."
I still have control. I still have power over the situation. I can let go. I must. But not today, not now.